Damned if you do...
As much as I would like to blog more frequently, I have been so busy with other things that it seems weeks go by without my returning to write my thoughts. Well today is a vent of sorts as I am near tears. As I have posted before, I do a lot of volunteer work for various organizations and I truly love giving of my time and talents to these worthy programs, which at times take a significant commitment.

When it is an organization that is dear to my heart (and I don't volunteer for any that are not), then I put my heart and soul into supporting that organization, striving to improve it in any way that I can. One such organization that I volunteer for has been struggling from lack of volunteers which has put a lot of stress on those who are doing all the work. In my wanting to reduce the stress and workload, I have been mulling over options which usually works, but this time I found myself still in a quandary. So instead of not finding answers myself, I decided to brainstorm with another and some great answers came to me from that conversation. Excited, I wanted to share those ideas and was met with the coldest shoulder I have felt in a very long time, so much so that it brought me to tears.

Where did I go wrong? What is my next step? This organization is so important to me and I feel lost not knowing where I stand or what to do - a feeling I am not used to. Wow, just writing this has been cathartic, I will do as I have always done, sleep on it and awake with a fresh new perspective. Goodnight everyone and sweet dreams!

Connie Banack, author and writer
I am so excited; I am now officially an "author"! I have been writing my entire life. Most of my writing has been in putting together articles, journaling (very cathartic, I recommend it to anyone), and for the ongoing projects I seem to volunteer for on an ongoing basis - and I love every minute. Though my first two books are not completed (one a fiction, the other a childbirth educator manual), the first of my four booklet series for Canadian childbirth professionals is completed and the other three are well on their way to completion. My ISBN numbers have already been assigned and my editor absolutely loves my work. My publisher, the Canadian Doula Association, is getting everything set up to market my books, providing a choice of one as a membership perk upon purchase of a new membership.

My childbirth educator manual is almost completed as well, a long labour of love in that it is coming together slowly but surely along with the entire certification program that surrounds it. The Global Birth Institute, my publisher for this manual, is very excited about the completion of this project and with it's completion I can focus on my next manual and certification program I am developing for them, for childbirth doulas.

Birthing Choices
Today, Australian newspaper The Courier-Mail, reported Child laws invoked over birthing choice in which a mother who didn't show up for her prenatal appointment and cancelled her caesarean section booking was investigated by Child Safety Department after being reported by the Royal Brisbane and Women's Hospital. She had previously had two children by caesarean section and her physician felt she was risking her newborn. She was reported as per the newly enacted laws meant for pregnant women unwilling to take the advice of medical professionals not to attempt natural births.

Officers advised her to seek medical advise and deliver in a hospital. While they did not want to interfere with the right of parents to make informed medical choices, they had a duty to act on advice from authorities such as police or doctors if they believed an unborn child was at risk. The left after being told she would go to Caboolture Hospital. She subsequently gave birth to her daughter at the Caboolture Hospital naturally after seven hours of labour.

Though I applaud the new laws enacted to protect unborn children, at what cost is this to pregnant mothers? Will Australia follow the US's misguided lead of court-ordered caesarean section for the protection of the unborn? The newest study published in the NEJM is a study showing the risks of both elective caesarean section and vaginal birth after a prior caesarean. In keeping with this study, which does have a deep flaw in excluding all planned ERCS patients who present in labour and the subsequent lack of UR in this group, the risks of either option are very low. An elective caesarean section poses a greater risk to the mother (1.6/4000) while a VBAC does have an increased risk to the baby (1/4000), especially if the mother is induced (2/4000).

But we cannot ignore the other end of the spectrum, what about the rights of the newly conceived unborn? Why are they considered less precious than a full-term unborn where their rights are protected? When will the killing of unborn children early in pregnancy stop? Many questions that we need to consider in this so-called enlightened age we live in.

Failure
I am sure all of us have experienced failure in one form or another over the span of our livetime. Maybe it was failing to complete a grade, pass a class, or finish school. Maybe it was a failed business, or worse yet, hanging onto a failing business without a business plan, grasping wildly at ideas for products and services that float through your desperate thoughts with only a client or customer here and there who's income doesn't come close to paying the expenses. Those failures are often a result of failed planning and focus.

My failure is that of giving birth to my sons. I know many would argue that a cesarean section, in whatever form it may be presented, is not a failure and some would even argue that it is a success - through avoiding the ardure of childbirth. But for me it was failure, completely and utterly so. At no time in either my husbands or my ancestral history had a cesarean been performed to bring forth a child. Mine was the first. I had an almost nieve trust in birth having grown up on a farm where birth was normal and complications very rare as we were taught very young not to interfere with the process because interruption of any sort would increase risks. I also believed from these experiences that an assisted birth, and especially a cesarean, were used only in high risk situations and that it would forever mark that mother for risks in future births.

Fast forward to my first birth, I am in early labour... most likely prodomal labour caused by the stress of my grandparents home being broken into the night before and supporting them which left me dehydrated as I focused on their needs instead of mine. I had never seen a normal labour pattern in human or animal longer than 24 hours - and completely ignored the birth stories that were oft-told of long labours and less than great outcomes because I was sure it wouldn't happen to me. I assumed my labour would be straightforward as my mothers had been and her mother before her. Yet upon entering the hospital I never felt comfortable and felt as if I was continually watched while my requests for my doctors presence went unheeded for many hours. Without progression, he finally did grace us with his presence and broke my water, something that is never done unless a calf or other babe is born en caul and unable to break it to breathe. Contractions worsened, pain increased and still no progression. Again my doctor came and instead of support he gave us a verdict, I "needed" a cesarean. Nevermind that my baby was healthy and that I had barely started dilation, it was nearing 5 pm on a Friday evening and he had better things to do than laboursit a primip. To add fuel to the fire, it was deemed emergent so I was placed under general anesthesia to bring forth my first born son.

My second labour progressed much better, I felt prepared yet still very much more anxious given the post trauma stress I relived while in labour again. Yet my secondborn, precious babe that he was, chose to present brow first and thanks to another amniotomy, was unable to correct his position. Cesarean number two was performed while I was awake and watching the entire procedure from first incision to suture with the assistance of the reflection in the overhead lights. Very healing in my being able to watch him come forth from my body, yet the surgery reinforced my feelings of failure.

Supported by two midwives, my primary being quite medical minded, I laboured very well with number three, completely dilated by nightfall of the first day. Yet morning slowly dawned with no baby in my arms and tension so great in my pelvis I couldn't even void urine from the tension caused by pain. Many questions arose post-surgery and even during labour as to why my midwives didn't see that tension and counteract it... but nothing was done so I was brought to the hospital where my favourite nurse encouraged me to keep going. I declined and walked to surgery where all of my requests were granted, though I ended up with a great deal less blood thanks to an overly efficient obstetrician who certainly didn't have the virtue of patience.

Yet through those three failed experiences I now have three of my four most precious gifts from God. My faith has been renewed through the fire of these trials and the tribulation of my daughters pure birth. Without these experiences I would not have the many blessings I have today in all aspects of my life, including the experience of birth as God intended, within the folds of familial arms in the safety of our home.

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Psalm 119:50

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Canadian Doula Association
Despite a great vision by the founder of the CDA, this organization with so much potential has been resting as a simple doula referral website for years, languishing in my care as I took the time each month to update the website and connect clients with doulas. It has been a labour of love as I answer doulas questions or support a distant mother who has a concern she has been unable to find an answer to. It has grown so much and is now a very popular referral site, well known to professional s and expectant parents alike, especially as it is cited in several training programs for nursing students and birth professionals.

It is time for change, time for growth, and time for a renewed excitement. No longer do we wish the CDA to be a mere online referral service, the CDA is ready for an exciting metamorphasis from chrysalis to butterfly, dormant to an incredibly beautiful and important new entity. With a new board spanning the country in place and many excellent projects in the pipeline, the new CDA will be launching as a support organization for doulas later this spring. We want to support the doulas and birth professionals who are working day-to-day with clients, spending the countless hours at births and wanting to improve their skills while continuing to work with mothers and their families.

I am very excited to see the growth that is happening behind the scenes as we ready for our re-creation. We are getting ready to better support struggling doulas and become the informational strength behind the doulas who continue the work of marketing, supporting clients, and for most, juggling their own family commitments all the while.

Computers and Ranting
I am always writing something or other with the many projects I am currently involved in, all of them being somehow birth related it seems. We are in the middle of a huge expansion project with the Canadian Doula Association and my computer started to whine. No noises eminated from the tower at my feet, but it was slowing down a little more each day and upon further inspection I learned that the hard drive was slowly losing memory. I immediately assumed a virus, but none were found and I continued to investigate. We are almost positive it is actually an aging factor, the hard drive is failing and more so each day. Before experiencing a hard lock (which I hear is not a fun experience), I burned all of my files to CD and am now working on our new "notebook" laptop. I still have a few programs to install in this computer before I am able to continue on the above projects, but it is a wonderful pause as I spend the entire day just hanging out with the kids.

Intuition and Premonitions

I have long believed in intuition and premonitions, though knowing that these gifts are stronger in some than others. Once again my intuition has proven right as I woke when my latest client was in early labour in the wee hours of one morning last week. I was in a very deep sleep, I remember the dream I was in vividly, and I heard a doorbell. It took me a while to pull myself awake and once I was awake I knew it was my client in labour. I was curious about the doorbell rather than the phone ringing, but this is a logical option as they will be driving to the birth center a mere five minutes from my home and they may have stopped here instead of calling first. I checked outside to be sure it wasn't them, and it wasn't, so I knew labour was early and I would hear from them if it developed into a good labour pattern or would not if the contractions slowed. I did feel a bit uneasy though because I felt she would have the same efficient and quick labour she had with her first son, but that there would be a concern of some sort at the birth. Knowing I could do nothing at this point, I fell back to sleep.

They stopped by on their way to their next midwifery appointment the next morning and confirmed my belief that she had indeed been in labour at the exact time I woke and that it had stopped a couple of hours later. She gave birth in water Sunday evening to a 9 lb 7 oz son after a quick but intense labour. The concern I felt was shoulder dystocia which was handled superbly by their midwife as she used the Gaskin Maneuver, but it was a tough dystocia and three minutes before babe was out and not breathing. He started breathing very quickly on his own and pinked up quickly, thank you God.

One of the unique strengths of my intuition is my knowing when my clients go into labour and being prepared for their call. After many clients I have never been wrong. I have also known what each of my children were before they were born as well as predicting the daughters my two sisters had. I also have very strong premonitions when my sons are hurt badly, like when Eric broke his foot. I knew where each would be hurt (in Eric's case, I knew it was his lower leg), though the cause is sometimes vague. This is a wonderful gift at times, but very difficult when you anticipate a bad event.

Sleep
It is with amazement that I write today at the effects of a solid nights sleep. Even with a cold and at the tail end of a mild flu I find even 7 hous of sleep, without interruption, blissful. I am just now able to sleep through the night in the absence of my childrens' needs for the first time in close to five years. Sound unbelievable? There's more, for much of those five years, I never slept for more than two hours at a time!

I have blogged before about sleep and my personal sleep deprivation experiences. For those of you who have not gone without sleep (other than self-inflicted, which doesn't count) because of children, work, or other reasons, I can no longer imagine that blissful ignorance. Before I had children, I truly believed that I needed 10 hours of sleep in order to function... and indeed that was the case. If I did not, I was a bear not to be reckoned with!

Eric was born and amazingly slept through the night at seven weeks... and I whined about that length of time. Ryan brought a once nightly waking until he was 2 1/2... and I grumbled about that. Then Brendan came, my "non-sleeping baby," who continued to wake at least every two hours, even after his sister was born three years later. He grew out of his waking during his third year and was replaced by his sister, who now woke in his schedule. Well, she is now consistently sleeping through the night at almost 20 months... and I am astounded at how little sleep I truly need!

I have long wanted to sit and blog but I have barely been able to answer email, nevermind journal in my blog. Suffice is to say I have had a very exciting November! Two workshops and the ICAN executive board retreat in Salt Lake City have filled my weekends. Working on large chunks of the ICAN Chapter Leader Accreditation program and my book, a childbirth education manual, and homeschooling have filled my weeks. The manual will be published through a large Canadian textbook company for GBI (the Global Birth Institute).

I love what I do and it keeps me working at a fast pace during the day and dreaming of my projects at night. The boys (Eric and Ryan) are thriving this homeschool year and making great friendships in our new community. Brendan is eager to start school so he is learning colours and counting while Breanna keeps everyone on our toes with her exploration.

My next client couple are close friends and will be birthing at the Stony Plain Birth Centre which is less than five minutes from my house. As the only birth center in Alberta, it is such a joy to work with the midwives (one of whom was my midwife for my third birth), nurses and Dr. Stonehawker who co-founded the center. He is a long-time member of our new church where I have been working with new mothers in a weekly new mom's group. My work and our family continues to be blessed with each new day!

Summer Lover
I was perusing my favorite TV Channel's website, HGTV.ca. I don't get time to sit and watch TV until winter's cold comes, so I was checking out any new information online. I took a neat little "What is Your Signature Season" poll and the answer confirmed my belief:

Summer lover.

You love warmth, being outside and being active. Once the weather starts to chill, you have a tendancy to hybernate.

Heat is your strength, so when the temperature drops, take up activities that keep you warm: Join an indoor tennis, soccer or squash league. Treat yourself to a monthly spa treatment—try a Temaczal treatment in a heated chamber, or do an at-home treatment with a colour therapy bath — get bath oils in yellow or red, your strength hues.

In the middle of winter, make an indoor miniature greenhouse of herbs, teas or your favourite flowers. Host an indoor picnic party by buying large billowy plants, and putting down a cozy plaid blanket, then serve up potato salad (comforting yet summer food!) and mini sandwiches. Light a fire and make s'mores on a Friday night, make a beautiful fruit salad every Sunday morning or a glass fresh-squeezed lemonade on a Saturday afternoon.

Never Violence
I happened across this wonderful story a couple of weeks ago...

Never Violence
a story told by Astrid Lindgren
[Author of Pippi Longstocking]

"Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence." In
1978, Astrid Lindgren received the German Book Trade Peace Prize for
her literary contributions. In acceptance, she told the following
story.
"When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told
me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't
believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch
pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day
when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt
warranted a spanking--the first of his life. And she told him that
he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him
with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was
crying. He said to her, "Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's
a rock that you can throw at me."

All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from
the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then
it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do
it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they
both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to
remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I
think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the
nursery--one can raise children into violence."

I think that too often we fail to feel situations "from the child's
point of view," and that failure leads us to teach our children
other than what we think we're teaching them.

Published by permission of Saltkrakan AB, Lidingoe, Sweden, owner of
all copyrights to Astrid Lindgren's works.

In reflecting on this story, I too thought I would find such a rock as this and as I was looking I also finished setting the rocks around our front pond. The rocks came from the farm I grew up on, where I learned life's lessons and occasionally felt a belt across my backside. As I reflected on my parenting skills, my youngest son joined me and we patiently moved the rocks and adjusted them just right.

As we neared completion, Brendan stood up and said he had found a heart rock. Sure enough, there was a beautful reddish rock in his hand in the vague shape of a heart. I could not have found a more perfect rock, and how beautiful that it should come from my most challenging of children. I have told my mother on more than one occasion that I was blessed with Brendan to teach me patience as he has indeed stretched me to my limits on numerous occasions. It is in that stretching that I grew, but it is also in that stretching that I have spanked when I knew I shouldn't. Brendan's heart rock sits proudly in my kitchen window, to remind me each day to allow myself to stretch without lashing back at my little ones.

A funny thing happened on the way to church this morning. As usual, I was heading out early to circumvent any problems that are often encountered as we prepare for any outing with four children such as lost shoes and forgotten jackets or books. Things were going very smoothly as Brendan, Ryan and Eric were already out the door and I was just shoeing Breanna before we left, with plenty of time to spare.

As he was waiting, Brendan was perched on a rock by our front pond looking at the fish when his arms started to wave and... yes you are right, he fell in. Given that it isn't a large pond and his agility, he fortunately landed on his feet. Yet, wet up to his knees and wearing his only shoes, we had to do a quick change into dry pants, socks and now sandals before leaving. We still made it on time and didn't miss a word of Cowboy Randy's Sunday School intro!

Speaking of Cowboy Randy, we are truly enjoying our new church, Immanuel Lutheran Church of Rosenthal, southwest of Stony Plain. Cowboy Randy heads up the Sunday School team and the boys are loving both him and their teachers. Sunday School is held all but the first Sunday of each month, when all the children join their families during service. I am also excited about the New Moms program initiated by this church and the far reaching impact it has in bringing mothers from the whole county and even from Edmonton. Ruth and I will be working together in supporting these mothers and I will meet these mothers as I get to know Immanuel's members better over the next few weeks. I am feeling strongly about proposing my Christian prenatal classes to the church board as I had so successfully done in Camrose at Messiah Lutheran.

Beloved Chairs
Do you have or remember a wonderfully cosy chair that you loved to spend time in? We drove past the local dump today and I pictured in my mind the recliner we left at a very similar dump back in Lloydminster. It brought back memories of just that type of recliner, given to us by a wonderful neighbour in Camrose when I was pregnant with Eric. It was my safe haven at the end of long workdays spent on my feet managing a local camera store. I would curl up in it after supper was made and often slept there before I crawled into bed, it is amazing how much extra sleep a pregnant mother needs!

I also found that chair a wonderful place to breastfeed and cuddle my first two newborns. Later, I also came to curse it because of it being the reason Eric was posterior which lead directly to my first cesarean, though it was long after his birth that I learned of the correlation. It was also after it became the "trick chair" which lay harboured in our basement awaiting it's next "victim" who inadvertently sat in it to be thrown back far enough to feel as if it was falling backwards. It never did, but the boys found it a wonderful place to bring those who didn't know of it's penchant to lean too far backward, likely caused by those same boys.

Bittersweet
My brother-in-law, a wonderful and kind man who we can all learn a lesson in patience from, has been asked by our Lord to join Him. His immediate family will be taking him off of life support today as soon as his oldest two children join them from Montreal and Halifax.

Death is hard in that we know it will be a time before we meet that person again in heaven. Yet it is also a celebration when you know a person who as kind and generous and as strongly Christian as my brother-in-law has gone to meet our Lord. No more suffering and worry and stress, only celebration. We will miss you greatly, our journey in this world was made far better because of you.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. Starting with Allan's holidays, we had a wonderful time with just the right mix of vacation and visiting family. While we were gone our builder put the final finish on our cherry hardwood floors, a wonderful gift to come home to.

Sadly, the finish "fish eyed" which basically means that it looked splotchy, something no one expected. The only way to remedy it, however, was to completely refinish it. We had anticipated having it done closer to Christmas but our builder called and said he could do it last week, so the kids and I packed up again and headed off to my parents farm for three more days, leaving Allan behind to live around the refinishers as he came and went to work.

We had a glorious time with my parents and my sister's family and returned home to the most amazing floors, they were perfect. The dust covering every surface took a few hours to remove, but my house is so clean now.

Monday we recieved a call that our brother-in-law had a bad heart attack and was in the hospital. They fear he suffered brain damage from lack of oxygen before the ambulance arrived, despite Allan's sister (his wife) giving him CPR. We waited until yesterday to visit, hoping he would be awake, but he is still under sedation. Today he is having a cat scan, so we are awaiting to hear more. Meanwhile, Eric stepped on a piece of glass which I couldn't remove Monday evening so we spent a "wonderful" three hours in the Stoney Plain hospital, but we met several great nurses and the ER doctor was fabulous.

We have been homeschooling amid it all, the boys are loving their new math curriculum and are enjoying returning to formal learning.

Abdominal Massage
I am continually learning. I am like a sponge, seeking more information from every avenue and I absolutely love the adventure. For instance, I learned of the value of homeopathy from my midwife during my third pregnancy. When I felt the benefits personally during labour and the incredibly fast recovery from a cesarean with arnica, I dove in and self-taught all about what homeopathy was, its benefits during the perinatal period and the wonderful benefits to my family. But enough on that subject...

A few days ago I learned of an exciting massage called Maya Abdominal Massage. I had heard of the Mexican midwives doing “la sobada”, or abdominal massage, during pregnancy as a regular course of care. But I knew nothing, like the benefits or even the reasoning beyond a wonderful and relaxing massage for mom and baby.

Maya Abdominal Massage goes far beyond relaxation, and thus my excitement. The massage is centered around the ancient Mayan technique which repositions organs that have dropped and restricted the flow of blood, lymph, nerve and chi energy. For women, that means optimal positioning of her "center" which is her uterus.

Let me back up a bit. Before my first pregnancy, I was told I had a tilted uterus. I was lead to believe it was a problem, yet nothing was explained to me and modern medicine has no "cure" for this. Now I am learning that some of the medical concerns I have had in the past are directly related to this. You see, when it tilted to any side, it can "constrict normal flow of blood and lymph, and disrupt nerve connections. Just a few extra ounces sitting on blood and lymph vessels can cause havoc throughout the different systems in the body." (excerpted from Healing Wombs: Maya Abdominal Massage)

Rosita Arvigo, a Chicago naprapath, spent the last several decades in Central America, where she has studied with dozens of traditional healers and midwives, the most notable of whom was Don Elijio Panti, the renowned Maya shaman of Belize. Arvigo says 90% of women will have a misplaced or tipped uterus at some point in their lives. The causes include difficult labor and delivery with prolonged periods of pushing; poor professional care during pregnancy, labor and delivery; repeated pregnancies close together; falls to the sacrum; a career in aerobics or high impact sports and dancing; wearing high heel shoes; poor alignment of the pelvic bones with the spinal column; chronic muscle spasms around the hips, low back and sacrum; carrying young children on the hip for prolonged periods of time; rape, sexual abuse or incest at any time in life; chronic constipation; running or working on cement surfaces with improper foot support; and errors committed during surgery that cut through uterine ligaments.

I started out with a tilted uterus, how did that relate to my subsequent reproduction? Here are the symptoms of a tilted uterus:
• Painful or irregular periods
• Dark thick fluids at the beginning and end of the period
• Blood clots
• No menstruation at all
• Headaches, especially with the period
• Dizziness with the period
• Varicose veins
• Tired legs, numb feet or sore heals
• Lower back ache
• Infertility
• Endometriosis
• Endometritis
• Uterine Polyps
• Painful intercourse
• PMS
• Uterine infections
• Frequent urination
• Ovarian cysts
• Vaginitis
• Hormonal imbalances
• Difficult pregnancy and delivery
• Weak newborn infants
• Premature deliveries
• Difficult menopause
• Cancer of the cervix, uterus, colon or bladder

It can also lead to cesarean section, which I had three of, and I have had more than my share of the above symptoms in the last 12 years, including infertility, an ovarian cyst, lower back ache, tired legs and more. I learned it is incredibly useful for post-cesarean mothers in reducing the adhesions.

I am excited to say that I have found two practitioners in Edmonton who do this type of massage, one taught by Dr. Arvigo herself. For more information, check out www.arvigomassage.com.

Ancient Goddesses
I took a test today to see which goddess I was most like. I find the study of ancient greek and roman gods and goddesses intriguing as they are so much a part of our biblical history and impacted our lifespan as humans on this earth incredibly. The answer was very interesting, for me at least...

You scored 33.3% Athena
If you are ruled by Athena, you are bright-eyed, shrewd, resourceful and inventive. With friends, you are the wise counselor -- always ready with an empowering message. You are believe strongly that women can accomplish anything men can. No wonder you put so much time into your career. Athena women tend to be ruled by their head, not by their heart. You carefully guard your intimate side, protecting your emotions and vulnerability. If you want to awaken your unexpressed womanliness, you'll have to use the same passion you apply to your intellectual achievements. It's important that you work to integrate your strong masculine side with your feminine side -- bringing together your strength with your vulnerability, your creativity with caring, your intelligence with imagination. Otherwise, you risk coming off as unaffectionate and self-righteous.

You scored 33.3% Persephone
If you exemplify the qualities of Persephone, you have most likely experienced great loss in your life -- the loss of your health or your emotional or physical security, the betrayal of a friend or lover, the loss of a child, your own divorce or that of your parents. This experience has forced you to face the dark, unenlightened side of yourself (the side that blames other people or circumstances for your own suffering) and transform yourself into a stronger, more independent, more accepting and more loving person. It may have also led you down a spiritual path, and moved you to place great emphasis on inner calm and on close connections with friends. You are capable of embracing, integrating and accepting difficult experiences. Because of that skill, you offer others the gift of empathy -- you know where they are or have been.

Thank you Dr. Ninian for the traumatic birth experiences that allowed me to grow and transform into who I am today. Without those experiences, I most certainly would not be where I am today. Take the test yourself if you are interested, http://www.women.com/.

Frustration
Today, in hindsight, I find it amusing. Yesterday I was in sheer frustration over the expectations placed on me by my husband... or maybe it was the expectations I think he is placing on me. It started with a long talk about his stress levels and how they impacted our family and specifically our children. I wanted to discuss them with him to see if he saw his short temper and orders were concern to him as it was to myself. I also wanted to see what I could do to help alleviate some of the stressors in his life.

Everyone knows that moving is a significant stress maker, all psychologists will list this as one of the highest stress events in a persons life. That coupled with working in a newly relocated store has certainly elevated his stress levels. Those ones were obvious... I was looking for ones I could do something about.

Certainly having four children and their need and want for parental involvement and supervision in everything from playing a board game to altercations was high on the list. Balancing the need to finishing our yard, deck, basement and insulating the garage before winter with time with family also weighed heavily. Financial concerns are always on his mind as well, raising four children isn't easy.

Then came the ones I wanted to hear... or did I. He cited the work-in-progress sewing I have been doing since shortly after we moved. He mentioned the sinking sod alongside our house that needs to be attended to before the sod established, and the unfinished edging still to be installed. He then added that I spend too much time on the computer, which has long been a sore point between us. He knows I haven't played a computer game in years as most of my computer time is taken with business related work such as my book as well as my non-profit volunteer work with ICAN and the Lloydminster Doula Association. Even then, if I even spend an hour on the computer I call myself lucky. I won't contrast that with the hours he spends playing Civilization...

In my oh-so-brilliant belief that I could do something, I was envisioning solving his problems. So let's look at this shall we? I wake up at 7 am... on a good day. It can be as early as 5 depending on the two little ones and when they wake. I make meals, lunch for Allan, parent my four children almost exlusively (with all that entails), do laundry (every day), clean (no small task with four busy bodies), and delegate/followup on the kids' cleaning chores. I run my business from home so that involves email, phone, meetings, and errands. I also do the errands and the requests Allan has asked of me (and not always getting them done, another sore point he mentioned).

Today I have to pick up a parcel, thread for the sheers, and check lottery tickets... the rest was phone calls, all done this morning. Breanna's naptime is when I "work" - as in sewing, yardwork, basement. Right now I am running electrical to do as much prep for the electrician as I can. This morning I fixed the low spots by the house, after lunch I put in the remaining edging (yay!). The king size duvet cover I am sewing is half done, I hope to finish it today as well.. barring the zipper giving me a problem. As soon as Breanna wakes I have to run the recycling to the depot. Oh, I almost forgot, when we return, I need to supervise three bathroom cleanings.

That does not include updating the LDA website about their grand opening in October and helping plan upcoming Parent Education Nights, finishing the CDA website updates, calling Revenue Canada for ICAN/CIIA Canada's charity status information, calling two clients (one returned from holidays today), and of course my book. I think I forgot something... oh well, I am sure it will come to me before I drop into bed around 11 pm.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE what I do, parenting my kids full time and the work I do, both with my business and volunteer. But it begs the question... it HAS to be easier to go to work for 9 hours, come home to a hot meal, even if a bit stressful with four children, and play an hour or so of Animal Crossing with the boys before bed.... right? Maybe I shouldn't be so worried about Allan's stress and let him find the answers for himself.

PS. I know I should not be so facetious, but only with finding the humour in it all can I not get frustrated. I did remember what I forgot though, to bring a stack of Birth Issues to the local library and pack the new MCI booklets (the parcel I picked up) for the Canadian ICAN chapters so I can send them out first thing Monday. Oh and the boxes we need to move downstairs after cleaning out the garage yesterday are still sitting in my entry too. I had better go!

Copyrights and Plagiarizm
I have found many instances in my professional life where I have not fully understood copyright and plagiarizm. I gave myself a primer on the Canadian Copyright Act and reflection on the meaning of plagiarism recently, learn with me.

Ownership of Copyright: Subject to this Act, the author of a work shall be the first owner of the copyright therein. R.S., 1985, c. C-42, s. 13; 1997, c. 24, s. 10.

Term of Coyright: The term for which copyright shall subsist shall, except as otherwise expressly provided by this Act, be the life of the author, the remainder of the calendar year in which the author dies, and a period of fifty years following the end of that calendar year. R.S., 1985, c. C-42, s. 6; 1993, c. 44, s. 58.

Plagiarizm (from Webster's 1913 dictionary) is: \Pla"gia*rize\, v. t. [imp. & p. p. {Plagiarized}; p.pr. & vb. n. {Plagiarizing}.]To steal or purloin from the writings of another; to appropriate without due acknowledgement (the ideas or expressions of another).

An apology

This is to a former friend, you know who you are.

I know we have not talked for a long time in person or even on the phone. I find it difficult given the emotions I feel when I hear your voice, I think you understand. We have been through a lot since that fateful day when we first met, both excited about my move to Lloydminster and our collaboration to promote doulas in a town where you were the first.

I still grieve our lost friendship, we have a lot in common you and I. I sometimes think our shared hubris are what finally tore our friendship apart. You had started promoting doulas within Lloydminster and here I came with an established business to infringe on your work.

I know our communication skills could have been much better, we both assumed much and in doing so made some grave errors. For my assuming more than I should have, I am sorry.

I had an assumption that we could work cooperatively. What a difference we could have made if we each promoted on our own, so for that I am sorry for asking you to join our Mother Care team.

I assumed you understood our contract. I never meant to mislead you in any way and if you feel I did, then I am sorry. I explained our contract to you just as I did to all the other contracted Mother Care doulas and obviously I and our contract didn't do an adequate enough job in outlining our roles.

I am sorry that I gave you more liberations than I normally would any other contracted doula. We both knew I would not be living in Lloydminster long and my hope was to leave you as a strong, well organized and busy referral coordinator for Mother Care, just as I was able to leave Katelyn as our local referral coordinator in Camrose.

I am sorry that I didn't pull the belly cast kits from Blooming Gals. I know you now realize that some women would rather do their own belly cast, just as I did, and I too was focused on meeting those mother's needs, as I always have been. I didn't realize that you didn't understand that at the time.

As your mentor, I did you a disservice in not explaining professional relationships as well as I could have. I incorreclty believed your DONA training gave you that knowledge. For that I am sorry.

I am sorry I filed a grievance with DONA. I felt strongly at the time that you needed to be accountable to someone, even if only your certification organization. I had chosen not to press charges simply because I knew the outcome would not satisfy either of us and would cost us both money better spent on our families and businesses. I thought this would be a better option. I was wrong.

Your enthusiasm was amazing, you reminded me of myself when I first started Mother Care. I truly hope you have moved on with a positive frame of mind. I know I have, though sadly because of the broken bridges left behind.