Energized

Spring has brought with it a very different me. It has been a very long time since I haven't had panic attacks while trying to pay bills, wondering how I am going to pay the exorbitant child support, and still feed my children. No longer do I ask myself, "Will the food bank have to help me out this month? Will my kids have warm clothes for school today? Will my vehicle break down and I will be forced to not pay the heat or water for one month to fix it?"

I still have bills, and lots of them, thanks to the credit I have had to lean on to make ends meet over the last six years. However, my new job has finally provided me with enough income to actually pay my bills in full and on time. More importantly, I no longer have to feel beholdin' to those who have helped out for so long. It is incredibly tough to ask for help over and over again, or wonder if I will ever again see the black side of my line of credit. Don't get me wrong, it will take years to dig out of the red, but now I am finally able to do that, a bit at a time.

What I didn't expect in getting to this point, is the surge in self confidence this gave me. For the first time in a very, very long time I feel truly calm. Yes things will crop up unexpectedly that I will have to deal with. But now I can actually meet those challenges myself, rather than lean on others to help me through it.

I am also able to sleep at night, with the exception of the nightmares of course, and not lay awake trying to figure out how to make ends meet with this, or the next, or the next paycheck. I can sleep in without a panic attack waking me up when I suddenly realize I have forgotten to pay something or someone. Sleep is delicious!

I hope this spring finds you energized!

Energy

Mel lamented to me this week, "I wish I had your energy, your vitality, your thirst for life. You are infectious, your exude energy to others, they are drawn to you because of it." I was left speechless as I watched her sigh, then slowly sip her coffee. I stumbled over my words as I started to dispute her claim and she looked at me with humour in her eyes, "Don't argue with me, you know it's true."
We sat in silence, we often do that. This silence is a comfortable place close friends give you, where you know you are not judged. I thought about her claim as I slowly drank my tea. I know I have a more than average energy level, not a nervous energy however. I'm sure I would have been labelled ADHD in elementary school. I think it was because I was usually a few steps ahead of what we were currently learning, or was simply was not interested.
I laughed to myself suddenly, wondering about the many friends I now had. This was painful cry from when I was younger and so painfully shy. I couldn't hold together a full sentence when speaking to anyone outside of my family. Mel looked up and I simply nodded in agreement, she was right.
Since then I have wondered why I have this energy level, this enthusiasm. I have felt stifled for a while, feeling my energy levels running a bit lower than normal. This evening I was sitting in the hot tub contemplating ancient native beliefs surrounding the energy in everything, animals, plants, even rocks and mountains. Everyone knows I need to go and recharge regularly. The best is by a fast river, preferably a fresh mountain river, especially with a waterfall. Mountains come next and around horses comes a close third.
The jets suddenly turned on and I turned them off quickly. I like to sit in silence when I want to think. As they slowed I felt the energy of the water rushing past me, the bubbles surrounding me. It was exhilarating and too quickly gone. I suddenly had an irresistible urge to stand by the waterfall Randall and I had found one beautiful May weekend. My body ached to feel the power it had given me. The power of nature. I have needed this for a while. Go to the mountains and ski, ride a horse through snow-covered valleys, or figure skate on a frozen lake. I am going to go, alone, and re-energize.

Politics and Debt

I rarely blog on political issues outside of the birth world. Unfortunately, politics do play a part in all of our lives and as much as I love living in Canada, the politics that play out in our southern neighbour very much effect us. I have been watching, with tense regard, the debit crisis the US has gotten itself into.

If the US government were a family, they would have had to face their debt crisis long before now and in doing so, forcing them to make smarter decisions. If the US government were a family, they would be making $58,000 a year, spend $75,000 a year, & have $327,000 in credit card debt. They are currently proposing BIG spending cuts to reduce their spending to $72,000 a year.

What are they not doing? Increasing their income. What do rank and file humans do when we are in such a situation? We get a second job, we find a better job, we work on the side, we do what we have to. We don't ignore the fact that we have to increase our income because we don't want to alienate the fat wallets who could handle more taxes. The US is climbing out of a major recession, everyone needs to pull together to make this work.

Normal citizens also don't get a reprieve from our bank for an additional 15%, au contraire. Banks only think of themselves first, at least the banks who us mere mortals deal with. In the end, this does far more harm than good by allowing the government to avoid facing the truth. In short, they HAVE to do a lot to improve their situation.

What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Four years from now, without Ralph Klein-like cuts and a true increase in income starting now, they will be so far up the river without a paddle their insane delusions will drown them. Who will they take with them? Canada and Mexico.

Delicious Dreams

I have loved dreams since I was young. They allow me to explore my psyche and go places I normally would not go. As a teen I had one reoccurring nightmare I couldn't shake. I worked hard to remember my dreams upon waking and that ability has stayed with me. I also learned how to know I was in a dream, if I chose, and how to fall back into a dream at will to change the course or just continue on with that experience. I was able to find out what that nightmare meant and in time it no longer occupied dream space in my slumber. Some of my dreams are wonderful and delicious while others can be painful and even downright terrifying. It's amazing what you learn about yourself by walking through your dreams!

The dream I had is one that has been reoccurring since my ex took away my two oldest sons. I've rarely spend time with them since. I miss them so badly I cry almost every day, but it doesn't change the fact that they no longer live with me. In these dreams, we are living together again, my four children and myself. Sometimes we live with other people who are in our lives, sometimes not. We live in the top of an eight floor condominium project in Hawaii somewhere. Our expansive balcony (wrapping around two sides of our condo) overlooks a large pool on one side with a view of the ocean and the other side looks over the city where we live. I have no idea what city that is, a moot point really. I know the layout of the condo and grounds very well from having lived there in my dreams so long.

In my dream last night we moved down to the third floor condo, what a pain that was. I hate moving and it wasn't fun in our dream either. Our new place had the same layout as our first. It is just closer to the pool and far less windy than the top floor. Actually, that was our main reason for moving, combined with the fact that a family had offered to purchase our condo for more than we had paid, and the lower unit had just come up and was newly renovated. Our Bree's loved our new space and set about making it ours posthaste. Brian and the boys all focused on electrical equipment of course. While they were working on that, Eric and I took a break and had gone up to meet our new neighbours. They were a fantastic couple with two girls we met and a third who wasn't there. We were introducing the girls to other kids in our condo complex when the alarm woke me for work.

I laid in bed for a few minutes letting the experience was over me, how fun it is to spend time as a family again, even if in my dreams.

Summer

My absolutely favourite season is summer. Hot days, the sound of quaking aspen leaves, the smell of newly mown grass and canola fields blooming. Thunder showers that show the incredible strength of Mother Nature, the sound of birds chirping and bees humming, and watching horses run bucking across the pasture. Long days and lazy evenings sitting on the deck with a drink or watching a fire by moonlight.

Here we are closing in on the end of the second of our three month summers... far too short a season for a summer lover! I dreamt last night that I pursuaded our x's to move to BC with us to indulge my need for a longer summer season. In reality, that wouldn't happen, but it was a wonderful dream to dream.

So I am enjoying every drop I can out of this summer. Motorbike rides with Brian, training Eric's horse, hanging with my sister Tracy at her acreage, and as much time as possible outdoors encouraging the mudhens and dragonflies to eat as many mosquitoes as they can.

Forgetting to Dance

The last few weeks have been tough and I have been struggling to put my finger on why. I have a new job which I'm really enjoying, had a great week with my two littles, and I'm catching up on a lot of things I haven't had time for. I told a close friend that maybe I need to see I psychologist to work my way through my malaise.

I then thought back to what I have done in the past when I've been down. It brought back a lot of great memories and ideas of things to do this summer, but still no true answer to my question. This morning, after yet another restless sleep, I got up at 4am and started my day. When I came downstairs after a wonderful shower, I turned on some music, something I hadn't done in a long time. Then it hit me, I had forgotten to dance!

After my seperation five years ago I had stuggled to find myself. I did a lot of personal exploration and rediscovered a lot of really great parts of me I had forgotten. During that time, I recaptured my love for music, my love for dance and my athleticism. Sure I felt clumsy and lumbering when I started dancing again, but soon I had the steps down to even the difficult hip hop routines and belly dance moves. I mostly danced in private but that expanded to dancing with my kids and dance dates with friends.

The exercise was great, my body enjoyed it and I loved moving to music, making it my own. But things changed and with less personal time, I started to dance less and less. With less opportunities to dance, I found less reason to. No longer. I am going to again reawaken my love, my need, for dance. Will you join me?

Horsing around

I have spent several weekends this spring with horses, starting with our Easter weekend at my sister Terri's by Rocky Mountain House.

Here is a picture of my daughter Breanna on Decker and me!

In the picture below is my sister Tracy with her youngest daughter Clare on Rusty and Breanna and I on Decker.

Here Grace (behind me, hiding), Clare and I are on Decker, my sister Terri is on Bonnie and her husband Chuck is on King, their newest addition.

Here I'm riding Decker leading Gee (Taylor's horse), Brianna (Brian's daughter) is riding King and Brian is riding his favourite horse Rusty. The puppy (as of yet unnamed) leading us was born in our garage this winter!

Finally, here is my precious Peanut on Boone! She has a natural seat and did great both on Boone and Decker (who she rode most of Sunday).

Happy Trails!

Sadness

I have been thinking a lot about the last five years of my life and how it feels like I have been so badly punished for leaving an abusive husband. Raised Christian, it is sometimes hard to see beyond that worldview and the importance of the sanctity of marriage within this religion.

I now barely make enough money to live, rarely see my two oldest sons, and only have my two babies every other week (at which time I deal with my inability to properly feed, clothe, and entertain them). I left to help us (my kids and I) and I ended up really hurting us all. I don't care about poverty, I just hate the hopelessness.

I had a dream that my kids gave me a bouquet of flowers. They were a little vague about it and when I read the card I knew why. In the card was a set of vehicle keys and a note from my ex saying that the car was mine and anything I wanted if I would come back. My emotional reaction was revulsion at the thought of being with my ex again combined with the sheer excitement of the thought of seeing my kids more often than never. A vehicle, money, stuff... I don't even care. It is my kids, the only thing that I care about. But if being with my kids meant being with my ex, there is no way I could do it. I haven't had a panic attack since I left him and they were very common occurences during our marriage. I simply would not survive it.

The next day I was watching a documentary about one of my favourite bands, Rush. I love Canadian music and even though their fans are mostly male, I have loved their music since forever. I grew up listening to them. In the documentary, I learned that Neil Peart, their amazing drummer and lyricist, after losing his only daughter (car accident) and wife (cancer), went on a three year motorbike sabbatical. He actually drove across the country on his motorbike for three years. After I left and lost my kids, I too did the same. The only difference was that I was on the road for work, I travelled every road in central and northern Alberta as a merchandising rep. Driving through the beautiful country is very healing and I can very much relate to Neil and his travels. I miss the road terribly.

I'm mostly sad. Sad because I can't support my own children. Sad when listening to what my ex says through my childrens words. Sad because I'm not a bigger, better part of their lives. Sad because I miss them so much when I am not with them. Sad.

New Website

We are having a lot of fun with the design and building of our new site! Please come and see what we have so far and know that we will be adding much, much more. Don't forget, we are also on Facebook!

Our business launch

We officially launched Labours of Luv by Mother Care on Saturday! We were at the Monster Swap in the TriLeisure Center in Spruce Grove with so many pregnany mommy's. We had a lot of fun, learned a lot and met a lot of wonderful women. I had almost forgotten how fun all of this is, now I can't wait for our upcoming Monster Swap in May. We will officially launch our Rosenthal Perinatal College then, even though we already have students.

Here is my new business card... still tweaking it.



I'm considering changing the font to the same font I have always used for Mother Care. Ah, I love designing... more soon!

Progress

I have been working hard on the marketing materials for our two companies over the weekend. Business cards, brochures, and websites for both are almost complete. My two business partners will review, critique and correct them before I publish for all to see. I can't wait for next Saturday!

My Birth Journey

My sister Tracy and I started a small business called Informed Birth Choices in 1996 just after I had taken a Beginning Midwifery course from a local midwife, Noreen Walker. Our company provided doula support and childbirth education to our clients. Unfortunately we had to part ways because of my now ex-husband and his control issues. We chose to own two separate companies, mine newly renamed Mother Care.

Mother Care grew and expanded slowly at first, then picking up speed as we moved into the 21st Century. I provided the same services and expanded into a monthly magazine, a birth catalogue and prenatal/birth photography. My having two children during that time slowed down the services aspect but the birth catalogue kept growing and growing. The newsletter fell by the wayside when we moved to another city (transferred because of my ex-husbands job) but I moved to writing for other birth industry periodicals. My sister Terri and I had joined forces with the photography and she is a truly gifted photographer. I knew that my ex-husband would make it difficult so I asked her to start her own company and I would refer to her, no way for my ex to interfere. She started Terri McKinney Photography which took off and far surpassed our expectations.

Rosenthal Perinatal College was born along with my fourth baby. I had been teaching for other certification organizations and knew that I wanted to provide more than what they were. Our certifications not only are through an accredited post secondary institution, they provide a comprehensive education and a continuing support system for students. We will be relaunching in April, watch for us!

By then the catalogue portion of my company had grown so big I couldn't keep up. As a home-based business, I ran it all from home. I couldn't afford both retail space and childcare for when I was 'at work'. My ex-husband wouldn't allow me to bring an 'employee' into 'his' house so I didn't have a choice. I sold the catalogue, a very sad day.

We moved to Spruce Grove after that and the College did well but I wasn't able to go back to doula support with four children, too busy and too expensive for childcare. Two years later I filed for divorce and put my businesses on the back burner as I dealt with courts, custody issues and working two jobs to pay for child support.

A new decade dawned, five years had passed, and I was approached by two birth professionals who were students from my college. They asked me to start working in birth again, to assist them in their birth journey, to join forces and work together. I contemplated this for six months before deciding as I had to complete a few things before I could dedicate myself to this again.

We are now working hard on bringing Mother Care back, but in a much larger way. We have renamed it Labours of Luv by Mother Care and Rosenthal Perinatal College will once again be teaching and mentoring students. We are launching in April, watch for us!

From the Ashes

A phoenix is a spectacular mythical bird with brilliant plumage. The phoenix builds a nest of twigs and ends its life by setting itself on fire. From the ashes emerges a new, baby phoenix, life reincarnated. My life very much has paralleled that of a phoenix.

Five years ago I had two choices facing me, the only two options I felt I had. One was to leave my husband of nineteen years and become a single mother of my four precious children. The other was to commit suicide. I could no longer go on living with the abuse and allow my children to suffer. A dear friend talked me out of the latter and my children, in wanting to leave as well, confirmed that the former was the correct choice.

The path was incredibly hard from that summer until now... far more difficult that I could have imagined. More than once I pondered if I had made the correct choice. When the father of your children threatens to kill them then is given primary residency by the courts the following year. When you are kept from your three-year-old daughter by your vengeful ex-husband and forced from your home. When your legal aid lawyer lets you down at every step yet you are unable to afford a lawyer who had your best interest in mind. When you cry yourself to sleep every night knowing the tears flowing in your former home by your children because of the yelling that day.

Today is still difficult. I have my two youngest children every other week and I cherish every moment I have with them. My two oldest are still too afraid to see or talk to me very much because of their fear of their father. I know that fear well and I truly understand why, but it still hurts so badly to not see them grow up into the incredible men they are becoming. I still cry every day.

Today is hopeful. I have a day job that I love. The difficult and treacherous road Richmond Transport Inc. and I have been on is starting to pay off. I started the trucking company to pay for my children's secondary education because I knew I could never afford it with my day job. Two dear friends are pulling me back to the birth world and the work that I love... supporting birthing mothers and the professionals who care for them. More on that later.

Today is exciting. I have met a man who defines what a modern man is. He is all male, broad of shoulder and thin of hip, a perfect specimen. He is a hard worker and loves his job. He had an artistic side, he was a professional musician and continues to hone his love of music. He is an excellent cook and a meticulous housekeeper. He loves his two children. We are enjoying our time together.

Today is healthy. I no longer have panic attacks, a once common thread in my life as I anticipated the wrath of my ex-husband often. I have self-esteem, something I had long forgotten when I was blamed for everything and put down constantly. I now exercise regularly, I eat very healthy and I am loving my fit body.

Today is a new normal. Very busy but balanced. Family is first, always has been and always will be. The rest (work, exercise, etc.) follows behind but with plenty of 'me' time which everyone supports, just as I support their alone time.

This phoenix was in the proverbial ashes for a long time. However the new phoenix I have become is a better, stronger and happier phoenix. I am excited about my future!

I Aspire to be a Phoenix

Attempting to rise from the ashes of my former life, I realize now that freedom is a precious and fragile thing. I doubt I will ever be out of the grasp of my controlling ex-husband completely as we share four children with all the strings that entails. Right now he is doing everything he can to hurt me and through doing that he is hurting our children.

At times I wonder if staying would have made it easier for them yet I know that they too wanted out of the stress of his controlling and angry ways. Oh how much easier divorce is with two reasonable adults who choose to make good decisions for themselves and their children. I have seen more than one amicable separation work yet I know that is not an option in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Control is paramount for abusive spouses and if they can't control they become vindictive.. or at least that is the case here.

I miss my kids terribly (one of the ways my ex has found to control is allowing me only very limited access to our children despite the court orders and the children's lawyer's written direction on this issue). An anticipated return to court will hopefully change that. One thing I have learned in this process is that there is no justice in the justice system. I never thought I would have anything in common with Britney Spears, but not seeing our children because of our respective spouses is one of them.

Given that, my new life is so very different and exciting. Deciding whether to stay at the job I am at, changing careers again or going back to school has me delightedly challenged. I have four kids to send to university or college to think about to in the near future, so that too weighs in this decision.

Getting Ready

ICAN Canada's Stragetic Planning Retreat is coming soon and there is so much prepare for our innaugaural retreat. Thank you to our current board for all the wonderful work you are doing. I am looking forward to expanding our board as we fill the current vacant positions of Secretary, Membership Director, Vice President/Conference Chair, and Public Relations Director.

Travelling Again

Heading to Cincinnati very early tomorrow morning, I can't wait! Working holiday... spending the entire weekend at a strategic planning retreat as the Int'l Director of the International Caesarean Awareness Network. This organization has done so much for me and I continue on the board as my way of repayment. The volunteer work is truly a labour of love. I'll be home again late Sunday night. Catcha on the flip side.

Maternal Mortality on the Rise

It was only a matter of time before the statistics showed the effects of the dramatic increase in cesarean surgery rates. We have long known that one of the risks of major abdominal surgery is maternal morbidity and mortality. It was only a matter of time before the increased cesarean rate bode through to the sad fact that more mothers were dying because of it. CP reports:

U.S. women are dying from childbirth at the highest rate in decades, new government figures show. Though the risk of death is very small, experts believe increasing maternal obesity and a jump in caesarean sections are partly to blame.

The U.S. maternal mortality rate rose to 13 deaths per 100,000 live births in 2004, according to statistics released this week by the National Center for Health Statistics - the first time the maternal death rate rose above 10 since 1977.

"There's an inherent risk to C-sections," said Dr. Elliott Main, who co-chairs a panel reviewing obstetrics care in California. "As you do thousands and thousands of them, there's going to be a price."

Excessive bleeding is one of the leading causes of pregnancy-related death, and women with several previous C-sections are at especially high risk, according to a review of maternal deaths in New York. Blood vessel blockages and infections are among the other leading causes.

The New Normal - Ottawa Citizen

The Ottawa Citizen reported yesterday on how medicalized birth has become the 'new normal' and natural birth is becoming rare in today's society in Canada. The statistics prove this out with an extremely high epidural rate across the nation, a 26% cesarean surgery rate and only 5% of women choosing homebirth. Please take a minute to read this superb article. I found this especially poignant:

One of the most telling anecdotes in [Jennifer Block's] book [Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care] takes place at Florida Hospital Heartland Medical Centre in Sebring, Florida. When Hurricane Charley hit in 1994, it knocked the power out. The hospital had an emergency generator, but its capacity was limited. So the hospital sent most women home and asked them to come back when they were in active labour.

During the few days following the hurricane, nurses noticed a change in the way babies were being born: most babies made it into the outside world without medical intervention and within hours of their mothers arriving at the hospital; nurses saw no cases of fetal distress or respiratory distress in newborns; and the hospital's C-section rate dropped dramatically -- from more than 29 per cent to 17 per cent (six per cent if several scheduled repeat C-sections were excluded from the stats).

Prior to the storm, most mothers were induced so that their babies would be born during the day, and labours were electronically and chemically managed. Once life returned to normal, a number of nurses quit the hospital, convinced its management of labour was doing more harm than good.

Women in Red

No I'm not talking about the song Lady in Red (so love that classic... Chris de Burgh is an awesome artist). I'm referring to a new group I've joined called Women in Red Racers:

Women in Red Racers group is a sub-group of the larger Women in Red community. The idea started response to a discussion about accountability and support towards reaching our debt reduction goals. It is now a “racers” group where each person posts their current debts and updates each time they are paid.

This past year has been a challenge financially. Though I have always been financially savvy, this group has a lot of excellent financial strategies that I have learned, and continue to learn, which I am incorporating into my own financial plans. I've always seen budgets, accounting and financial issues as tedious necessities of life, but this group has made the journey fun... even exciting as we work together on our debt. Setting goals and reaching milestones personally and as a group has never been so enjoyable. I encourage you to check it out.

Being kid busy

The kids and I have had an awesome summer, busy around home and going several times to my sister's outfitting camp west of Rocky Mountain House. My love for horses only increases as I spend time with them again and my kids are catching the horse bug as well. Most of my pictures are in my camera which I accidentally forgot on my last trip to Ontario (it is being returned as you read this) so I hope to have more pictures soon. From my phone camera...

A picture of the view from our 'home away from home' window. Breanna is carrying one of Terri's puppies.

Here is a picture of Eric with his uncle Chuck at the summit after a four hour ride... he loved every second!

Here are five of the first string ready to go first thing in the morning.

Here is Eric in his 'new toy' out at camp.