From the Ashes

A phoenix is a spectacular mythical bird with brilliant plumage. The phoenix builds a nest of twigs and ends its life by setting itself on fire. From the ashes emerges a new, baby phoenix, life reincarnated. My life very much has paralleled that of a phoenix.

Five years ago I had two choices facing me, the only two options I felt I had. One was to leave my husband of nineteen years and become a single mother of my four precious children. The other was to commit suicide. I could no longer go on living with the abuse and allow my children to suffer. A dear friend talked me out of the latter and my children, in wanting to leave as well, confirmed that the former was the correct choice.

The path was incredibly hard from that summer until now... far more difficult that I could have imagined. More than once I pondered if I had made the correct choice. When the father of your children threatens to kill them then is given primary residency by the courts the following year. When you are kept from your three-year-old daughter by your vengeful ex-husband and forced from your home. When your legal aid lawyer lets you down at every step yet you are unable to afford a lawyer who had your best interest in mind. When you cry yourself to sleep every night knowing the tears flowing in your former home by your children because of the yelling that day.

Today is still difficult. I have my two youngest children every other week and I cherish every moment I have with them. My two oldest are still too afraid to see or talk to me very much because of their fear of their father. I know that fear well and I truly understand why, but it still hurts so badly to not see them grow up into the incredible men they are becoming. I still cry every day.

Today is hopeful. I have a day job that I love. The difficult and treacherous road Richmond Transport Inc. and I have been on is starting to pay off. I started the trucking company to pay for my children's secondary education because I knew I could never afford it with my day job. Two dear friends are pulling me back to the birth world and the work that I love... supporting birthing mothers and the professionals who care for them. More on that later.

Today is exciting. I have met a man who defines what a modern man is. He is all male, broad of shoulder and thin of hip, a perfect specimen. He is a hard worker and loves his job. He had an artistic side, he was a professional musician and continues to hone his love of music. He is an excellent cook and a meticulous housekeeper. He loves his two children. We are enjoying our time together.

Today is healthy. I no longer have panic attacks, a once common thread in my life as I anticipated the wrath of my ex-husband often. I have self-esteem, something I had long forgotten when I was blamed for everything and put down constantly. I now exercise regularly, I eat very healthy and I am loving my fit body.

Today is a new normal. Very busy but balanced. Family is first, always has been and always will be. The rest (work, exercise, etc.) follows behind but with plenty of 'me' time which everyone supports, just as I support their alone time.

This phoenix was in the proverbial ashes for a long time. However the new phoenix I have become is a better, stronger and happier phoenix. I am excited about my future!