Sadness

I have been thinking a lot about the last five years of my life and how it feels like I have been so badly punished for leaving an abusive husband. Raised Christian, it is sometimes hard to see beyond that worldview and the importance of the sanctity of marriage within this religion.

I now barely make enough money to live, rarely see my two oldest sons, and only have my two babies every other week (at which time I deal with my inability to properly feed, clothe, and entertain them). I left to help us (my kids and I) and I ended up really hurting us all. I don't care about poverty, I just hate the hopelessness.

I had a dream that my kids gave me a bouquet of flowers. They were a little vague about it and when I read the card I knew why. In the card was a set of vehicle keys and a note from my ex saying that the car was mine and anything I wanted if I would come back. My emotional reaction was revulsion at the thought of being with my ex again combined with the sheer excitement of the thought of seeing my kids more often than never. A vehicle, money, stuff... I don't even care. It is my kids, the only thing that I care about. But if being with my kids meant being with my ex, there is no way I could do it. I haven't had a panic attack since I left him and they were very common occurences during our marriage. I simply would not survive it.

The next day I was watching a documentary about one of my favourite bands, Rush. I love Canadian music and even though their fans are mostly male, I have loved their music since forever. I grew up listening to them. In the documentary, I learned that Neil Peart, their amazing drummer and lyricist, after losing his only daughter (car accident) and wife (cancer), went on a three year motorbike sabbatical. He actually drove across the country on his motorbike for three years. After I left and lost my kids, I too did the same. The only difference was that I was on the road for work, I travelled every road in central and northern Alberta as a merchandising rep. Driving through the beautiful country is very healing and I can very much relate to Neil and his travels. I miss the road terribly.

I'm mostly sad. Sad because I can't support my own children. Sad when listening to what my ex says through my childrens words. Sad because I'm not a bigger, better part of their lives. Sad because I miss them so much when I am not with them. Sad.