I had a wonderful and very insightful conversation with a very dear friend of mine last weekend. We compared notes on our lives over the past 10 years as we were both going through very difficult times in our lives... marriage breakdown and divorce. The irony of our parallel universes were uncanny in many ways.
Our conversation was cheerful as we celebrated our successes since our respective separations and compared notes on our daughters. We touched lightly on the businesses we had each owned prior to our separation and our passion for our work. She then became sober and sadly said, "We failed at our businesses, we failed our businesses." I looked at her and saw her shoulders slump in recognition of her perceived failure. I simply responded, "We did not fail anything, our partners failed us." I went on to say that if we had not been in a relationship at the time, our businesses would have grown steadily. My ex-husband openly admitted to sabotaging my business and her ex-partner even stole money from hers. She nodded slightly and I added, with enthusiasm as the thought struck me, "can you imagine if we were with our current partners and building our businesses?!" She looked up at me and smiled, she knew exactly what I meant. She was newly wedded to an absolutely wonderful and amazingly supportive man. He is doing so much to support her in her new business and would have done the same with her previous one.
We struggled mightily to grow our businesses, support birthing mothers, and in doing so, provide for our own children, all while dealing with the adversity we received from our chosen life partners. This despite our support of them on such a level that we compromised ourselves, our companies, and even our health to do so.
The foundation for success can be a small brick of hope on which we build. Sometimes we have the wonderful support of other bricklayers and sometimes we have brick thefts even within our most trusted circle. Sadly our respective businesses did not survive the brick thieves, but we learned a great deal from our experiences. We are rebuilding in different ways, with a foundation of stronger bricks as a result of those experiences.
Thursday, November 07, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Hostile Aggressive Parenting
What causes Parental Alienation Syndrome in children?
Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP) is defined as : A general pattern of behaviour, manipulation, actions or decision-making of a person (usually a parent or guardian) that either directly or indirectly; 1) creates undue difficulties or interferences in the relationship of a child with another person (usually a parent or guardian) involved with the parenting and/or rearing of the child and/or, 2) promotes or maintains an unwarranted unfairness or inequality in the parenting arrangements between a child’s parents and/or guardians and/or, 3) promotes ongoing and unnecessary conflict between parents and/or guardians which adversely affects the parenting, well-being and rearing of a child.
Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is most apparent in child-custody disputes and is used most often as a tool to align the child with one of the parents during litigation over custody or control of the child. However, HAP can be present in almost any situation where two or more people involved in a child’s life are at odds with each other over how a child may be raised or influenced by the parties. HAP can be present to some extent even when couples are still living together.
Although Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is often confused with Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), a term coined by Dr. Richard Gardner, HAP and PAS are not the same. HAP refers to the behaviours, actions and decisions of a person, whereas, PAS relates to the psychological condition of the child. In the vast majority of cases HAP is the cause of PAS.
Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is not limited to the biological parents but also applies to any guardian – grandparents, extended family members, daycare providers and to any other person who may be involved in caring and rearing of a child. In some cases, it may even involve a parent in dispute with the child’s grandparents, sometimes the parent’s very own parent! Any form of interference to a normal, healthy relationship between a child and a person (most often one of the parents) caused by another person or agency having some control or influence over the child, is wrong and ultimately causes emotional and psychological harm to the child. Throughout this document the word “parent” shall be considered synonymous with “guardian”.
Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is a very serious and damaging form of abuse and maltreatment that parents and even other family members can engage in. HAP is most often identified in individuals with controlling and bullying personalities or those with mild to severe personality disorders. HAP can be a factor in all types of parenting arrangements including sole maternal custody, sole paternal custody and joint custody. Interestingly, it is sole custodial parents who are most often reported to practice Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting, especially in its most severe form.
In general, parents exhibiting Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting have not succeeded in getting on with their own life and remain, instead, controlled by their negative emotions and continue to exercise power and control over their ex-spouse’s life, their ex-spouse’s parenting and to a large extent, over the children of the relationship as well. HAP parents will blame everyone else except themselves.
High degrees of conflict during custody settlements and litigation are almost sure signs in these affected families. Hostile-aggressive parents are unable to appreciate the needs of their child and in many cases view their child as a possession belonging to them and no other persons have any right to the child, especially not the child’s other parent or other persons that the HAP parent does not like. Hostile-aggressive parents will use the child as a weapon against the other spouse and family members whenever they have the opportunity. A parent engaged in Hostile-Aggressive Parenting will also take comfort in that the community in general will choose not to get involved, probably because they don’t know what to do. Angry and vindictive HAP parents are often able to bring a reign of terror and revenge on to a non-custodial parent and their family, their goal being to get them out of the child’s life or at the very least to severely damage their child’s relationship with the other parent and other parent’s family.
Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP) is defined as : A general pattern of behaviour, manipulation, actions or decision-making of a person (usually a parent or guardian) that either directly or indirectly; 1) creates undue difficulties or interferences in the relationship of a child with another person (usually a parent or guardian) involved with the parenting and/or rearing of the child and/or, 2) promotes or maintains an unwarranted unfairness or inequality in the parenting arrangements between a child’s parents and/or guardians and/or, 3) promotes ongoing and unnecessary conflict between parents and/or guardians which adversely affects the parenting, well-being and rearing of a child.
Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is most apparent in child-custody disputes and is used most often as a tool to align the child with one of the parents during litigation over custody or control of the child. However, HAP can be present in almost any situation where two or more people involved in a child’s life are at odds with each other over how a child may be raised or influenced by the parties. HAP can be present to some extent even when couples are still living together.
Although Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is often confused with Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), a term coined by Dr. Richard Gardner, HAP and PAS are not the same. HAP refers to the behaviours, actions and decisions of a person, whereas, PAS relates to the psychological condition of the child. In the vast majority of cases HAP is the cause of PAS.
Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is not limited to the biological parents but also applies to any guardian – grandparents, extended family members, daycare providers and to any other person who may be involved in caring and rearing of a child. In some cases, it may even involve a parent in dispute with the child’s grandparents, sometimes the parent’s very own parent! Any form of interference to a normal, healthy relationship between a child and a person (most often one of the parents) caused by another person or agency having some control or influence over the child, is wrong and ultimately causes emotional and psychological harm to the child. Throughout this document the word “parent” shall be considered synonymous with “guardian”.
Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is a very serious and damaging form of abuse and maltreatment that parents and even other family members can engage in. HAP is most often identified in individuals with controlling and bullying personalities or those with mild to severe personality disorders. HAP can be a factor in all types of parenting arrangements including sole maternal custody, sole paternal custody and joint custody. Interestingly, it is sole custodial parents who are most often reported to practice Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting, especially in its most severe form.
In general, parents exhibiting Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting have not succeeded in getting on with their own life and remain, instead, controlled by their negative emotions and continue to exercise power and control over their ex-spouse’s life, their ex-spouse’s parenting and to a large extent, over the children of the relationship as well. HAP parents will blame everyone else except themselves.
High degrees of conflict during custody settlements and litigation are almost sure signs in these affected families. Hostile-aggressive parents are unable to appreciate the needs of their child and in many cases view their child as a possession belonging to them and no other persons have any right to the child, especially not the child’s other parent or other persons that the HAP parent does not like. Hostile-aggressive parents will use the child as a weapon against the other spouse and family members whenever they have the opportunity. A parent engaged in Hostile-Aggressive Parenting will also take comfort in that the community in general will choose not to get involved, probably because they don’t know what to do. Angry and vindictive HAP parents are often able to bring a reign of terror and revenge on to a non-custodial parent and their family, their goal being to get them out of the child’s life or at the very least to severely damage their child’s relationship with the other parent and other parent’s family.
Parental Alienation
A new term has emerged...
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a collection of behaviors where one parent turns a child against the other parent. So when one parent deprives their child of a healthy relationship with the other parent, the child may experience chronic psychological distress leading to the deterioration of the parental relationship. Since distress can affect physical health, health care professionals must not overlook the possibility that the child has been subjected to abuse by the custodial parent.
The Details
Blocking or inhibiting contact with the children – The custodial parent blocks or discourages contact between children and the other parent. The most heinous word in family law is ‘visitation’. With this word, the non custodial parent and his (or her) children become mutual guests under the oversight of the custodial parent and the courts.
Only a father can imbue certain intangible qualities to his children that a mother cannot. The corollary that a mother can imbue intangible qualities is also true. Children benefit most when their parents work and act together for their children, rather than two biological parents in conflict acting separately. This is the well-known phenomenon of synergism where the sum of the efforts of persons working together is greater than the sum of each person working alone. This is also called teamwork.
Berating the other parent in the presence of children – Comments such as ‘your mother is no-good’ or ‘your father has abandoned us’ are degrading to the child who respect the parent. What the controlling parent is saying to the child is that their feelings toward the other parent are wrong. The controlling parent’s intent is to berate and change the child’s view of the other parent. This conflict between the controlling parent’s demands and what the child knows and believes can lead to later conflicts in the child’s life.
Threatening children with withdrawal of home, love, and support – J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh came up with a simple statement. “My way or the highway.” That says it all. What the controlling parent is saying is that the child must think the way I do, believe as I do, and feel as I do or else! The ‘else’ word is a threat.
Teaching or forcing the child to fear or reject the other parent – The most prevalent tactic is coercion. Through repetition, the controlling parent relates false accounts of abuse by the other parent. When repeated, this deception can become accepted fact that replaces the child’s own true experiences – my way or no way. This tactic is not acceptable. A similar tactic is that the instigator tells a child that they cannot have contact with the innocent parent unless the child admits that he or she abused them. This is a guaranteed losing strategy for the child and the innocent parents. When the child is forced to admit that abuse occurred then the child cannot have further contact. This is called Catch-22, or my way or no way.
Learn to love your children more than you hate your ex!
Stop removing your child's rights just because you hate the Mother and Stepdad.
Monday, April 08, 2013
Days 6 - 7
Day 6
What do I do know? I slept most of the last 13 hours! I
regrouped. I was refreshed and pain free, a very wonderful thing after a
migraine experience. Today is Saturday and I have the whole weekend to hang
with my kids and enjoy the time we have together. Well, except that it's April and
snowing outside. The joy of living in Canada!
So we did just that. We baked, we watched a matinee on TV,
I coloured and trimmed one daughter's hair and braided the others. We thought
about going out to a movie but couldn't decide on one, so we PPV'ed a comedy,
moved the living room into a theatre, made popcorn and had fun! I did nap 2, 6
and 10 pm that day. My kids are very accommodating, often not even noticing my
20 minute disappearance every four hours. They are protecting my time too,
answering the phone and giving me messages when I wake.
Day 7
I slept solidly from 2 - 6 am and woke refreshed. Before
I started this experiment I absolutely needed 9 hours of sleep at night or I
was tired. I mean falling asleep at dinner tired. Now I am finding 5 -5.5 hours
of sleep is more than adequate and I'm feeling selfish because I feel so good!
I am sleeping a consistent 4-hour core and 2 - 4 nap schedule right now (with
the exception of my migraine days). I am falling asleep within 5 minutes of
laying down and waking easily after an average of 20 minutes for each nap. Today
my naps were at 10 and 2. My youngest son and I were engrossed in a board game
right up until dinner so I skipped my last nap and went to sleep for my core
sleep at 10 instead of 2 am.
Lucid Dreaming
I have yet to not dream during my naps as I am well aware
of my dreams. However, one of the interesting outcomes uberman sleepers have
experienced is lucid dreaming. Lucid dreams are dreams in which one is aware
they are dreaming. I have had experience with lucid dreaming in the past and
would love to explore this further.
When I was a teenager, I experienced horrible nightmares.
At my wits end, I read what I could find on dreams (not much and all having to
do with dream interpretation). Frustrated and angry with not finding any
answers, and desperate to stop these nightmares, I decided to teach myself to be
aware of my dream and change my dreams, I could do this couldn't I? As it was a
consistent nightmare, in that it was the same dream repeated over and over, I
would go in night after night and change it, a little bit at a time. When I was
running and allowing panic to overcome me, I taught myself to push the panic away
and reason my way through. When I couldn't see for the torrents of rain, I
would grab an umbrella or duck under and awning to gain a better perspective.
Eventually the nightmares went away. Since then, I have been highly aware of my
dreams and able to recall them upon waking, or waking myself to escape a nightmare.
The only time this was not the case was when experiencing
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after my caesarean experience with my
firstborn. My nightmares had become so severe that I avoided sleep and I started
to hallucinate while awake. My doctors solution was "to get out more away
from your baby" which I clearly ignored and did the best I could to deal
with it on my own, using the techniques I had learned before. A solid nine
months later I saw my first glimpse of normalcy and I tell you, it was like
seeing heaven. From that point, it improved quickly, and though I will likely
continue to experience some PTSD symptomology as a result of my continued
contact with my abusive ex-husband (we have shared custody of our four
children), it has been completely manageable from a psychological viewpoint.
Days 4 - 5
Day 4
1:00 - 3:00 am: sleep
6:00 am: nap1:20 pm: nap
6:00 pm: nap
11:00 pm - 3:00 am: sleep
Day four was wonderful, I was ready to take the leap to
uberman sleep that night as I was only sleeping 3 hours each night. I have not
been tired this entire experiment and I was excited about the next step! Then a
migraine started to set in that evening, around 9 pm. It started so slowly I
thought it was simply a stiff neck from the busy day I had. I rarely take medication
for any pain. My usual plan is to sleep and let my body restore function. If
that doesn't work, then I turn to homeopathy, then herbs, then drugs, in that
order. So I decided to forgo Uberman naps and get a few hours together. I
stayed up an hour past my usual nap time and slept until I woke, which was four
hours. That is when I realized this wasn't simple neck soreness, I was heading
into migraine land.
Day 5
5:00 am - 6:30 am: sleep
2:00: nap
6:00 - 8:30 pm: sleep
9:30 pm - 7:00 am: sleep
My migraines started 6 1/2 years ago as a result of a very unfortunate incident that caused me extreme stress and though I don't get them very often, they usually last for two days. If I am able to get to my chiropractor early, I can sometimes shorten them to one day. For the migraine pain, I simply have always just slept them off, when possible. The longer I ignore it and don't sleep, the worse it gets. As I highly doubt my chiropractor was awake at 3:00 am, so I opted for sleep. Not wanting to annihilate my polyphasic sleep schedule, I took longer naps, which my body craved. I had meetings in the afternoon so I couldn't continue sleeping but by 6 pm the pain was so severe I was nauseous and it was impossible to keep my eyes open from the pain. I apologized to my family and I crashed, hard. When I woke at 8:30 pm I knew I was on the right track as the pain had lessened. However I knew if I pushed it and tried to stay awake, it would be much worse. So I went back to bed after making sure my kids had brushed their teeth and tucking them in. I crashed again and made myself stay in bed until it was gone. That wasn't hard, as I only woke up twice and was able to go back to sleep fairly well again.
What have I done to my polyphasic sleep schedule?
Thursday, April 04, 2013
Polyphasic Sleep - Day 3
10:00 - 2:15 am: sleep
6:15 - 6:35 am: nap with dream, very refreshing
10:00 - 10:20 am: nap
6:30 - 7:20 pm: nap
11:00 - 11:20 pm: nap
1:00 - 3:00 am: sleep
This has been an interesting three days! With all of this extra time, and the incredible lack of fatigue that I have been feeling (I was constantly fatigued before this), I am accomplishing huge chunks of my "to do" list. Problem: I'm running out of things to do. Short of becoming even more annoying to my family because of my new uber-efficiency, I'm spending more time with friends and that has been wonderful!
Yesterday I spent several hours with a good friend who is planning a business startup. I helped walk her through her first steps and what she needed to do, it felt good to share in her excitement, they have a solid idea that is going to take them far. I am so excited for her and her husband! That meant skipping my 2 pm nap but I slept a little longer at 6:30 pm to make up for it. I'm not sure if the extra sleep helped though because I was feeling a bit tired after my 11:00 pm nap so I went to bed a bit early and slept a bit longer at 1:00 am this morning. It is now almost 5 and I feel great!
One of the things I was curious about was my belief that it is during sleep that our bodies repair themselves. If an uberman sleeps only 2 hours, when does your body repair? I have had significantly less sleep than I normally do and yet I feel less fatigue and more refreshed than I have in quite a while. In talking to other polyphasic sleepers, it turns out that we don't actually repair physically during sleep, only our brain needs this.
Another concern I had was, if and how does diet effect sleep? Well in my personal experience, I have found that only eating just before going to sleep makes it more difficult to wake from a nap. Steve Pavlina discussed in his uberman log that it was his vegan diet that contributed greatly to the ease in which he adopted uberman sleep. Although I eat a very healthy diet (processed food almost never enters my body), I do eat meat protein and drink coffee, though never more than two cups a day. I thought a lot about eliminating caffeine from my diet for this experiment, but I wanted to see the effects of my normal diet. Caffeine is a stimulant, however it has never effected my ability to fall asleep in the past so I decided to continue with my 1-2 cups a day. I was right and actually, drinking a cup just before I nap leaves me very refreshed upon waking. So, I have learned that eating shortly after a nap and coffee before a nap are good things. I would love to hear from other polyphasic sleepers as to the effects of diet during your experience!
6:15 - 6:35 am: nap with dream, very refreshing
10:00 - 10:20 am: nap
6:30 - 7:20 pm: nap
11:00 - 11:20 pm: nap
1:00 - 3:00 am: sleep
This has been an interesting three days! With all of this extra time, and the incredible lack of fatigue that I have been feeling (I was constantly fatigued before this), I am accomplishing huge chunks of my "to do" list. Problem: I'm running out of things to do. Short of becoming even more annoying to my family because of my new uber-efficiency, I'm spending more time with friends and that has been wonderful!
Yesterday I spent several hours with a good friend who is planning a business startup. I helped walk her through her first steps and what she needed to do, it felt good to share in her excitement, they have a solid idea that is going to take them far. I am so excited for her and her husband! That meant skipping my 2 pm nap but I slept a little longer at 6:30 pm to make up for it. I'm not sure if the extra sleep helped though because I was feeling a bit tired after my 11:00 pm nap so I went to bed a bit early and slept a bit longer at 1:00 am this morning. It is now almost 5 and I feel great!
One of the things I was curious about was my belief that it is during sleep that our bodies repair themselves. If an uberman sleeps only 2 hours, when does your body repair? I have had significantly less sleep than I normally do and yet I feel less fatigue and more refreshed than I have in quite a while. In talking to other polyphasic sleepers, it turns out that we don't actually repair physically during sleep, only our brain needs this.
Another concern I had was, if and how does diet effect sleep? Well in my personal experience, I have found that only eating just before going to sleep makes it more difficult to wake from a nap. Steve Pavlina discussed in his uberman log that it was his vegan diet that contributed greatly to the ease in which he adopted uberman sleep. Although I eat a very healthy diet (processed food almost never enters my body), I do eat meat protein and drink coffee, though never more than two cups a day. I thought a lot about eliminating caffeine from my diet for this experiment, but I wanted to see the effects of my normal diet. Caffeine is a stimulant, however it has never effected my ability to fall asleep in the past so I decided to continue with my 1-2 cups a day. I was right and actually, drinking a cup just before I nap leaves me very refreshed upon waking. So, I have learned that eating shortly after a nap and coffee before a nap are good things. I would love to hear from other polyphasic sleepers as to the effects of diet during your experience!
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Polyphasic Sleep - Day 2
48 hours completed of my polyphasic sleep experiment and I am feeling great. My day went like this:
8:30 pm - 1:30 am: sleep
5:35 - 5:55 am: nap. Cold again so didn't sleep well, but I did dream.
10:00 - 10:20 am: great nap. Had a great dream.
2:00 - 2:20 pm: didn't sleep, just dozed.
10:00 pm - 2:15 am: sleep
I missed my 6 pm nap because of a social engagement. Normally this shouldn't cause an issue with everyman sleep (it will with uberman sleep), especially if my body was adapted to this new schedule. But when I didn't sleep for my 2 pm nap as well, I was tired for the first time at 10 pm.
With each of my naps, I have my alarm set for 20 minutes but most of the time I am awake or almost awake when it goes off. For the core sleep each night, I am allowing my body to wake when it wants and last night has shown a clear improvement from the previous night, 4 instead of 6 hours. I awake refreshed and clear headed each time, a far cry from what I used to call normal sleep!
I have been thinking about the conditioning one usually needs to experience when transitioning into polyphasic sleep. For most, the "aha" moment when it all starts to work and the fatigue leaves is when the sleeper experiences REM sleep during the 20 minute naps. This is usually between day 4 and 7. However I have one thing, I feel, that gives me an advantage going into this experiment. I have experienced REM sleep during 20 minute naps for years. Why?
The reason is, I have four children. Children sleep polyphasically from birth and thought we usually 'adapt' them to a monophasic sleep schedule by the age of five, there were a lot of years of sleep deprivation for this mom! I was a single married, meaning although I was married, my husband had very little to do with our children or the daily duties of running the household, including traditional male roles like mowing the lawn. I adapted by running a business from my home so I could take care of our kids and our home while still having an income. Also, my third son didn't sleep more than two hours for four years, which in essence meant I didn't either. I believe when a mother is chronically sleep deprived, her brain learns to enter REM quickly upon going to sleep. Or at least that is what happened to me. A question for parents, have you found the same experience? If not, what experiences have you had that caused you entering REM sleep rapidly?
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Polyphasic Sleep - Day One
I have completed my first day of polyphasic sleep. This is going to be interesting as with a try polyphasic sleep schedule, a "Day" is relative. I will endeavor to focus on a day, for this blog, as the time from midnight to midnight. So here it goes, my plan was to start with something like this: naps at 6 am, 10 am, 2 pm, 6 pm, and sleep from 10 pm to 2 am. My schedule went like this:
12:00 - 3:15 am: sleep
5:00 - 5:30 am: nap (after which I decided to start this polyphasic journey instead of just read about it)
10:00 - 10:20 am: nap
2:00 - 3:00 pm: nap, which will teach me not to sleep in the sun like a cat!
8:30 pm - 1:30 am: sleep
This differs slightly from the plan I made. Yet only slightly, because of my cat sleep in the afternoon. I chose to skip my 6 pm nap because of this and go to bed a bit earlier instead.
I found that with my 10 am nap it was difficult to fall asleep, possibly because I am excited about this new adventure! That is partially why I chose to nap in the sun at 2 pm, to help me fall asleep as I LOVE to sleep curled up in a sunny patch, even if it is the middle of the carpet!
I am using an alarm clock to wake me each time and was warned about not getting up when it goes off (like what happened with my 2 pm nap). Yet, as I am working up to true Uberman sleep through the Everyman sleep schedule, I am not going to get upset about a few challenges at this point. I felt no fatigue at all today and my body was telling me to nap right on schedule. I hadn't anticipated this happening until my body had become more accustomed to this new way of sleeping. Intriguing.
One of the suggestions I received was to have a BIG list of things to do to keep my occupied. I have that in spades though it is getting accomplished quicker than I thought. Steve Pavlina recommends doing more active work (not reading on a comfy couch) during the night as this is when fatigue can catch you. So my plan is to do the bulk of my writing at night (like I am doing now, is is 3 am) which keeps me focused and sitting at a desk. If you have any suggestions to help me along, please throw them my way!
Pre-polyphasic Sleep
As I mentioned in my previous blog, I am intrigued by Polyphasic sleep and wanted to try this for myself. Often overwhelmed by the demands of full-time work, being a mother, author, volunteer, soon-to-be student, and trying to eke out time for myself, I am looking for options. In addition, I have a non-monophasic sleep cycle as it is, so finding solutions to my sleeplessness in the middle of the night would be wonderful too.
Traditionally, my sleep cycle typically looks like this:
8:00 pm to between 12:00 - 2:00 am: Sleep
12:00 - 2:00 am to 4:00 - 5:30 am: Tossing and turning, wide awake
4:00 - 5:30 am: Possibly falling back to sleep
5:30 am: alarm and time to get up
Life
5:00 pm: return home from work
At this point I either fall on the couch and nap for 20 - 90 minutes or I push through until bedtime at 8:00 pm.
Weekends I nap once during the day for 20 - 90 minutes in the early afternoon, if needed.
So, for two days I tracked my sleep schedule. This time, however, I chose to get up when I was wide awake at night and be productive (hence the increased blogs, among other things). I chose to do this organically (meaning following my need to sleep with no alarm clocks). Here are my findings:
Friday, March 29
I woke up at 6:30 am.
1:30 - 3:00 pm: nap
9:00 pm - 1:20 am: sleep
I got up and decided to stay up until I felt ready to sleep again.
Saturday, March 30
5:00 - 7:00 am: sleep
3:00 - 3:20 pm: nap, awakened by my oldest son who I was telling about polyphasic sleep and he kept my nap to 20 minutes :-)
10:00 pm - 7:30 am: sleep
Sunday, March 31
6:00 - 6:30 pm: fell asleep watching a documentary
8:00 - 10:00 pm: I tried to fall asleep for two hours then just got up
Monday, April 1
12:00 am - 3:15 am: sleep
5:00 - 5:30 am: sleep, awakened by alarm
It's at this point that I think, why not just start this polyphasic sleep experiment and see how it goes? My sleep schedule has already started in that direction and I have the flexibility right now to test this fully. My thought was to focus on obtaining an Uberman schedule of naps at 2, 6, 10, 2 , 6, 10 but to initially allow flexibility at night until I had the schedule down during the day. Historically I am an early riser so my plan was to start with something like this: naps at 6 am, 10 am, 2 pm, 6 pm, and sleep from 10 pm to 2 am. So here it goes, Day One.
Polyphasic Sleep
One happy coincidence of
finding the 4-Hour Body by Timothy Ferriss was learning about polyphasic sleep.
Poly-what you ask? Polyphasic sleep is sleeping several times a day for shorter
periods as opposed to Monophasic sleep (once per day) or Biphasic sleep (twice per
day). Most of the human population in North America are monophasic sleepers,
meaning they sleep for 6-9 hours, usually during the night, per day. Other
populations, in Europe and in Mexico, have a largely biphasic sleep pattern in
which they sleep for six hours at night and have a 20 minute 'siesta' nap after
lunch.
Here is where it gets
interesting. Polyphasic sleep can be divided into two types (well three if you
consider Dymaxion sleep a viable option, however only Buckminster Fuller was
able to successfully do this). The first sleep pattern is commonly defined as
Everyman. This is when a "core" sleep at night is dispersed with 20
minute naps during the day. Interestingly more naps and a subsequently smaller core
sleep, the less sleep you need. For instance, if you choose two naps, your core
sleep will be 4.5 hours long for a total of 5.25 hours. If you choose 4 naps,
then your core sleep needs only be 1.5 hours long for a total of 2.5 hours of
sleep. Finally, the Uberman sleep pattern is where there are six naps every
four hours, giving you an astoundingly small amount of sleep at only 2 hours a
day.
Crazy? Impossible?! Wait, let me explain. To understand how this works, lets learn a bit about our brains. A normal sleep cycle is 90 minutes and as a monophasic sleeper, we repeat this cycle several times without waking, or waking briefly and falling back to sleep, each night. Rapid Eye Movement sleep occurs late in this cycle. REM sleep is the critical phase of sleep in which we experience dreams. When deprived of REM for too long, as anyone who has experienced sleep apnea knows, this leads to extreme irritability and hallucinations. REM sleep in adult humans typically occupies 20-25% of total sleep, about 90-120 minutes per night.
Polyphasic sleep is based on the premise that only REM sleep is biologically needed for humans. Let's take a cue from other mammals. Did you know mature horses sleep an average of just 2.5 hours every 24 hours in short intervals of 15 minutes each? Adult giraffes sleep an average of just 1.9 hours per day. We, as humans, were born polyphasic, as all parents can attest to. Newborns sleep in a two-hour cycle, during which 80% of their total sleep time is in REM. What we have learned is that if we sleep more frequently and for fewer hours, we enter REM stage faster and more efficiently then if we are monophasic sleepers. Thus, polyphasic sleepers are sleeping optimally.Now you are asking, why is this a happy coincidence and what is the relevance to your life? In reading my previous posts, you can see that I plan to be working full-time, working towards my MBA as fast as possible, writing my book, AND being a parent/partner/daughter/sister. If that isn't too busy for you, what about my French classes or my volunteer work? How about exercise, time to eat, maybe even clean the house, and *gasp* time for myself? I was thinking a little, no a lot, about how I am to fit everything in and gave it to the universe to decide. I had believed that I would have to compromise on my job in order to achieve everything and stay sane. Then this book, this idea, fell into my lap. If I have four to six extra hours in a day, just imagine what I can accomplish!
I checked every link in the book and kept digging. I read Steve Pavlina's Sleep Logs and how Dustin Curtis successfully became a polyphasic sleeper. I found PureDoxyk's Ubersleep book and read through her website. I thought about the pros and cons of this a lot over the last week and here is what I came up with.
Many of us have 'sleep problems' as they are defined by a monophasic paradigm. I personally find I have no problem falling asleep and sleep a solid 4-6 hours upon going to bed at 8 pm. However, I wake up... and I mean fully awake, between midnight and 2 am. In my belief that I needed eight hours of continuous sleep at night, I would then lay in bed for the next three to four hours, finally falling back to sleep. I would almost always experience horrible dreams during this second sleep cycle only to be awakened by my alarm at 5:30. Exhausted, I would stumble through the day and either crash on the couch when I returned home from work for a 20-90 minute nap or push through to bedtime. Fun? Not even a little.
So I looked at my sleep craziness in light of polyphasic sleep. Both of my parents have had siesta naps their entire life, as did my mother's parents before her. My body loves 20 minute naps and I wake easily from them, almost always having experienced REM sleep. What my body has been trying to tell me is that I am not a monophasic sleeper! So I tracked my sleep schedule and here is what I found. It won't be a big reach to move to everyman polyphasic sleeping at all.
Finally, in reading several sleep logs of true uberman polyphasic sleepers, I saw their initial fatigue rates and found many others have quit because of this in the first week. My thought is, why go all or nothing? Why not move towards uberman sleep through becoming an everyman sleeper first? Reduce the fatigue, allow my body to adjust, and see what works best for me? So, here I am, experiencing my own experiment! I too will be tracking my polyphasic sleep logs here.
One last note, I have learned from other Uberman sleepers of some very unique and exciting benefits beyond having an extra six hours of sleep a day. I will blog more on those as my experiment unfolds.
Pre-polyphasic sleep log
Polyphasic sleep log - Day 1
Polyphasic sleep log - Day 2
Polyphasic sleep log - Day 3
Polyphasic sleep log - Day 4-5
Polyphasic sleep log - Day 6-7
Monday, April 01, 2013
Slow Carb Diet
As I continue on this exciting journey towards a better me, I posted previously about my plans for work and school. Well those are only part of the changes I am experiencing. I also am focusing more on my health and time management (more on time management in my next blog post).
As some of you know, I have been wanting to lose the pounds I have 'found' while working at a sedentary job for the last year. No problem, in January I simply re-adopted the proven ways I have used to lose my baby weight and maintain my weight since 2006. Problem, no weight loss. Now if you know me, I'm a bit stubborn (sshh Tracy and Terri!). So instead of giving up, I changed things. I pulled carbs from my diet. Nothing. I added aerobic exercise, to the tune of one hour a day. No change. This is now two months without one ounce of weight loss. Congratulations on my body's ability to optimize caloric content!
Not to be bested by my efficiencies, I added weight training to increase muscle size and optimize my body's calorie usage. Again nothing... except for the expected weight gain of muscle building (not a bad thing). OK, yes I am not 20 anymore, but I am not even perimenopausal, I won't blame this on age or hormones... or can I? Hmm.
I was due for a complete physical so I quickly booked one with my physician. We went over the usual workup and I discussed possible reasons with her. Having been in alternative healthcare for thirteen years, I do know a bit about testing, so I asked for not only a complete workup but a full hormone panel. She questioned this, but I explained that I suspected a hormonal imbalance outside of menopause if this wasn't a thyroid issue. She shrugged and filled out my REQ (medicalese for medical requisition form, this one being for phlebotomy/urology).
Off to my sister to get poked (she is a phlebotomist) and my doctor's office called the same day to book a follow up appointment... ah, they found something! Now my doctor knows me well and she had the results printed for me when I arrived (she knows I always want a copy of everything). She said the culprit was PCOS (Polysystic Ovary Syndrome) and I chuckled. She looked up from her computer with a questioning glance. I told her that I had extensive knowledge of PCOS due to my work as a doula. I have worked with several mothers in helping them successfully conceive with this diagnosis.
PCOS is a hormonal imbalance with excess androgen and reduced progesterone. I have no symptoms as are commonly seen with this, even my fasting glucose results were stellar (a risk of PCOS is subsequent insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes). However, this is exactly what I was looking for as I felt strongly that my weight had a hormone connection. After requesting a pelvic ultrasound REQ to check for ovarian cysts and endometriosis, I was off to the holistic drugstore. Vitex (Chasteberry), homeopathic Pulsatilla, and Omega 3,6,9 were my first plan of attack. These had worked well for my clients, especially in combination. Not a quick fix, it often takes 3-6 months to see the positive effects. However, combined with nutritional support, I plan to see changes sooner. I will give it three months before I add prostaglandin cream for day 14-28 of my cycle.
My experience has been that cutting carbs from my diet worked every time. However, Brian suspected that in doing so, I was putting my body into starvation mode. With that logic, I had previously upped my caloric intake significantly with protein but to no avail. The premise of the Slow-Carb Diet is to not cut carbs, but to substitute the fast carbs (anything white, including brown rice) with beans. The other aspect, no sugar, including fructose (that means, are you ready for it... no fruit). He also maintains that a weight loss of 20 lbs per month without excercise is to be expected.
Now, consider this: I needed to lose weight and treat my PCOS nutritionally (which means a diabetic type diet), all while recovering from my shoulder injury. I put that request out to the universe (I had asked Brian to watch the Secret to help him understand my almost constant optimism) and it was answered completely with the Slow-Carb Diet.
We are exactly one week into this and we have both lost inches already. I will keep you posted on my progress, I am very excited!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Starting the year with changes!
When New Year 2013 rolled
around, a mere two months ago, something felt different. Something expectant,
like finding out your are pregnant, or anticipating a promotion. I pondered this
a lot in the following weeks as I planned for a trip to visit my sister in
Arizona, as well as a job change. The latter was not something I truly wanted as
I loved working with my teams and learning alongside them. However, when your
hard work is not appreciated, or rather negated, by a superior, it is hard to
continue to work in that environment.
So I did what I could to save every penny in preparation for both and enjoyed the journey. My week in Arizona with my sister, our friends, and riding a horse with no name in the desert (true story!) was exactly what I needed to center myself for my return, and subsequent joblessness.
Interestingly, I had anticipated finding a job quickly and yet the weeks went by with resume writing, agency referrals, and interviews to no avail. This was strange for me as I have never had an issue with finding a job before. But then I have become pickier too... and so, it seems, has potential employers. If I want to make anything beyond $16 an hour it seems I now need a degree... even a certificate will often suffice. It doesn't matter than I have fifteen years experience... just that I have a piece of paper saying I have a clue. Even more annoying, I noticed that I would likely double my income, given the experience I currently have, with that piece of paper. Interesting indeed.
Frustrated, I looked at my options. I had four. Take a possible hit in pay to take a job I am vastly overqualified for by dumbing down my resume to get the job, go back to retail (which my kids have made VERY clear they don't want because of the crazt hours), keep applying and hope I eventually get hired, or go back to school. Hmm, what to do.
So being me, I chose two of the four. I will not dumb down anything, so option one was out. I had a long talk with my daughter and she felt very strongly about the importance of spending time with me, so option two was out. That left school and continued job searching.
While keeping this in mind, I looked at what I loved/excelled at and what I was willing to do to achieve a job that I loved/excelled at. After a lot of research and thought I looked into a business degree and found the perfect option. Athabasca University has an MBA program in which you can PLAR (meaning, you can use your life experience towards the degree). I called their admission office and was not only welcomed warmly, I was told that with my experience, not only did I not need to PLAR for admission to the MBA program (meaning I have the equivalent of a bachelors degree from experience), I could most likely challenge several of the courses in the program itself to shorten the time it took to achieve my degree. Most importantly, I can do it all via distance learning at my own pace and can work it around a full-time position. I applied for the MBA program, applied for a student loan for tuition the next day. I was quickly accepted into the program and am waiting to hear about the student loan. If approved, I will be starting in May!
Next up was finding a job while I work on my degree. I sat down and figured out exactly how much income I needed to cover just living expenses. Though I am not planning to reduce my income in order to find employment, I felt this was an important thing to know as I would rather have a less demanding job that paid a bit less than to have a job that interfered with school. My priorities are my kids (always) and my education (right now). I then went to two of my friends who do a lot of HR in their positions, and asked them to critique my resume. Finally, I added two key people to my references who were gracious enough to support me in this. Newly armed, I again struck out full force with my job hunting and am very excited about the new possibilities, given my new focus.
Last week brought a very promising position which I am fine-tuning my resume to. The position doesn't close for a bit, so I won't have an answer soon, but I am excited about this opportunity. I will continue my search in other areas as well, wish me luck!
So I did what I could to save every penny in preparation for both and enjoyed the journey. My week in Arizona with my sister, our friends, and riding a horse with no name in the desert (true story!) was exactly what I needed to center myself for my return, and subsequent joblessness.
Interestingly, I had anticipated finding a job quickly and yet the weeks went by with resume writing, agency referrals, and interviews to no avail. This was strange for me as I have never had an issue with finding a job before. But then I have become pickier too... and so, it seems, has potential employers. If I want to make anything beyond $16 an hour it seems I now need a degree... even a certificate will often suffice. It doesn't matter than I have fifteen years experience... just that I have a piece of paper saying I have a clue. Even more annoying, I noticed that I would likely double my income, given the experience I currently have, with that piece of paper. Interesting indeed.
Frustrated, I looked at my options. I had four. Take a possible hit in pay to take a job I am vastly overqualified for by dumbing down my resume to get the job, go back to retail (which my kids have made VERY clear they don't want because of the crazt hours), keep applying and hope I eventually get hired, or go back to school. Hmm, what to do.
So being me, I chose two of the four. I will not dumb down anything, so option one was out. I had a long talk with my daughter and she felt very strongly about the importance of spending time with me, so option two was out. That left school and continued job searching.
While keeping this in mind, I looked at what I loved/excelled at and what I was willing to do to achieve a job that I loved/excelled at. After a lot of research and thought I looked into a business degree and found the perfect option. Athabasca University has an MBA program in which you can PLAR (meaning, you can use your life experience towards the degree). I called their admission office and was not only welcomed warmly, I was told that with my experience, not only did I not need to PLAR for admission to the MBA program (meaning I have the equivalent of a bachelors degree from experience), I could most likely challenge several of the courses in the program itself to shorten the time it took to achieve my degree. Most importantly, I can do it all via distance learning at my own pace and can work it around a full-time position. I applied for the MBA program, applied for a student loan for tuition the next day. I was quickly accepted into the program and am waiting to hear about the student loan. If approved, I will be starting in May!
Next up was finding a job while I work on my degree. I sat down and figured out exactly how much income I needed to cover just living expenses. Though I am not planning to reduce my income in order to find employment, I felt this was an important thing to know as I would rather have a less demanding job that paid a bit less than to have a job that interfered with school. My priorities are my kids (always) and my education (right now). I then went to two of my friends who do a lot of HR in their positions, and asked them to critique my resume. Finally, I added two key people to my references who were gracious enough to support me in this. Newly armed, I again struck out full force with my job hunting and am very excited about the new possibilities, given my new focus.
Last week brought a very promising position which I am fine-tuning my resume to. The position doesn't close for a bit, so I won't have an answer soon, but I am excited about this opportunity. I will continue my search in other areas as well, wish me luck!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Crossroads
I sit here pondering. I feel my calling to support and empower others. I have done that in various ways in my life. Through teaching, through supporting mothers in childbirth, through staff development as a manager, and through leadership in non-profit organizations. What should my next step be?
I realized in the past two weeks that education is the key to continued growth in management. Do I pursue this avenue in order to continue on this path? Will my anticipated student loan debt be compensated by the dramatic difference in income I will recieve because of my obtaining a degree? Will I be happy on this corporate journey?
In contrast, I have been called to work in a creative position. The artistic part of me, that has lay dormant for a while, yearns towards this position. Yet will be be fulfiling enough for me? Will I even have the skills to do this?
What if I move back to my first love of supporting mothers during the most pivotal time of their lives? Will it be able to support us financially? Will I make a beneficial difference to these families?
Or what of teaching, so challenging and so rewarding? A huge endeavour if I pursue the plans I have in fulfilling this option. Will the rewards be enough for the workload ahead?
Decisions. Provoking, scary, exhilarating. Each path is so diverse yet similar... they are all part of me and who I am. Hm. Can I do one well? What about more than one? What if I chose three... or all four? They all lead to similar outcomes, and if done well, would have a singularly poignant conclusion, one I had sought years ago. Decisions.
I realized in the past two weeks that education is the key to continued growth in management. Do I pursue this avenue in order to continue on this path? Will my anticipated student loan debt be compensated by the dramatic difference in income I will recieve because of my obtaining a degree? Will I be happy on this corporate journey?
In contrast, I have been called to work in a creative position. The artistic part of me, that has lay dormant for a while, yearns towards this position. Yet will be be fulfiling enough for me? Will I even have the skills to do this?
What if I move back to my first love of supporting mothers during the most pivotal time of their lives? Will it be able to support us financially? Will I make a beneficial difference to these families?
Or what of teaching, so challenging and so rewarding? A huge endeavour if I pursue the plans I have in fulfilling this option. Will the rewards be enough for the workload ahead?
Decisions. Provoking, scary, exhilarating. Each path is so diverse yet similar... they are all part of me and who I am. Hm. Can I do one well? What about more than one? What if I chose three... or all four? They all lead to similar outcomes, and if done well, would have a singularly poignant conclusion, one I had sought years ago. Decisions.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Writers, please research!
As a voracious reader, I sometimes come across passages or events in fictional literature that have clearly not been researched, or researched poorly. Sometimes this has to do with culture. Other times this is found in events such as a murder scene. However, given my previous work in maternity care, the biggest faux pas for me is the constant risk/threat of normal childbirth. To create drama, women in literature are often subjected to cesarean surgery to save either a mother or her unborn child. I have read many books, which I loved, only to end up disliking them when the death card is thrown on the table during a woman's labour as reason to surgically remove a baby from her womb. Having lived that, suffered the trauma of that experience, and helped many women overcome their own trauma surrounding their birth experiences, this appals me.
Enter the book Fifty Shades Freed, the third in a triology by E L James. Erika is an enchanting author. I love how she describes the main character's subconscious and her inner goddess. Such a unique and magical writing style. Her research is meticulous throughout, inspiring for the rest of us authors. This kilters drastically in the epilogue when Ana is in labour. Her esteemed obstetrician, Dr. Greene, declaires, "Mrs. Grey, you've been in labor for fifteen hours now. Your contractions have slowed in spite of the Pitocin. We need to do a C-section - the baby is in distress." Groan. I know I'm not the only one who sees the cascade to iatrogenic surgery here. Mom takes longer than the good doctors patience to labour, most likely without support and in fear of the unknown, an epidural is offered and accepted to help with the pain/fear, labour slows as a natural consequence. She is artificially augmented (Pitocin) without success. Now often a baby will distress given the above circumstances, but alas, this is not the case. Let me continue...
Suddenly, there's a piercing angry cry.
"You have a boy, Mrs. Grey. Check his Apgar."
"Apgar is nine."
There it is... no baby who is even remotely in distress will have an Apgar that high. Most healthy babies born do not have an Apgar that high. Six to eight is normal, given the parameters of the scoring system used for Apgar measurements. I understand this is a side note in the epilogue, and yet it sadly is replayed countless times in L&D rooms across this continent. Dr. Greene, tired of labour sitting, declare baby or mama are at risk and whoosh, off to the operating room.
The continued irony of this author's lack of research continues. She writes, "The strands of the flogger skim across my swollen belly at an aching, languorous pace." For the millions of moms who have a cesarean scar on their abdomen, we all know the entire area from our navel to our pubic symphysis and spanning between our iliac crests is numb... hardly sensual when you can't feel half of your belly.
The final slap as when ever-controlling Christian states, "I am not going through that again. Elective cesarean this time." His reasoning, "You nearly... died last time." Statistics clearly show surgical birth poses a higher rate of maternal morbidity and mortality than normal birth, or even a VBAC. I know this is a common belief, that our omnipotent physicians can heal all and cheat death with a wave of their scalpel. Sadly, I knew women who have died and have talked to widowers who know the truth of that theory, having experienced the truth.
Thank you Erika for a wonderfully well-written triology, I look forward to your upcoming works. Please humour me in continuing to meticulously research your work.
Enter the book Fifty Shades Freed, the third in a triology by E L James. Erika is an enchanting author. I love how she describes the main character's subconscious and her inner goddess. Such a unique and magical writing style. Her research is meticulous throughout, inspiring for the rest of us authors. This kilters drastically in the epilogue when Ana is in labour. Her esteemed obstetrician, Dr. Greene, declaires, "Mrs. Grey, you've been in labor for fifteen hours now. Your contractions have slowed in spite of the Pitocin. We need to do a C-section - the baby is in distress." Groan. I know I'm not the only one who sees the cascade to iatrogenic surgery here. Mom takes longer than the good doctors patience to labour, most likely without support and in fear of the unknown, an epidural is offered and accepted to help with the pain/fear, labour slows as a natural consequence. She is artificially augmented (Pitocin) without success. Now often a baby will distress given the above circumstances, but alas, this is not the case. Let me continue...
Suddenly, there's a piercing angry cry.
"You have a boy, Mrs. Grey. Check his Apgar."
"Apgar is nine."
There it is... no baby who is even remotely in distress will have an Apgar that high. Most healthy babies born do not have an Apgar that high. Six to eight is normal, given the parameters of the scoring system used for Apgar measurements. I understand this is a side note in the epilogue, and yet it sadly is replayed countless times in L&D rooms across this continent. Dr. Greene, tired of labour sitting, declare baby or mama are at risk and whoosh, off to the operating room.
The continued irony of this author's lack of research continues. She writes, "The strands of the flogger skim across my swollen belly at an aching, languorous pace." For the millions of moms who have a cesarean scar on their abdomen, we all know the entire area from our navel to our pubic symphysis and spanning between our iliac crests is numb... hardly sensual when you can't feel half of your belly.
The final slap as when ever-controlling Christian states, "I am not going through that again. Elective cesarean this time." His reasoning, "You nearly... died last time." Statistics clearly show surgical birth poses a higher rate of maternal morbidity and mortality than normal birth, or even a VBAC. I know this is a common belief, that our omnipotent physicians can heal all and cheat death with a wave of their scalpel. Sadly, I knew women who have died and have talked to widowers who know the truth of that theory, having experienced the truth.
Thank you Erika for a wonderfully well-written triology, I look forward to your upcoming works. Please humour me in continuing to meticulously research your work.
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