Involved Fathers

I have been long wanting to blog about this, yet haven't been able to find the right words to explain my feelings surrounding this. Then today I sat down and picked up a magazine with an article titled, The Power of Dads. Yes, it is about a father's involvement in his childrens' lives.

From my experience, men don't give a damn about children. Men feel no bond with the children they have spawned beyond the pride that they have proven their virility. They merely tolerate their spawn while they are under their roof. I have only seen two exceptions. One is my own father who struggled with his own demons from his alcoholic mother leaving him and being raised by his father. He showed us he cared about us and tried as hard as he could.

I watched my children grow up with their father using every excuse to avoid and ignore them. He rarely changed a diaper and absolutely refused to get up during the night when one or more woke up. Never mind that my third son never slept more than two hours for four years. Their father would not allow us to enter the store he managed while he was there because his children embarrassed them (three boys who were well behaved but sometimes loud). At home, their father would yell at me to keep them quiet or get them out of the room because they were too (fill in the blank) for him to watch his TV or play his computer game. Their father absolutely refused "babysit" my children, even for me to go to the grocery store for 20 minutes. Their father yelled at them, ignored them, and avoided them on a continual basis. I truly believed his excuse when he said, "when they are older... " and yet that didn't happen.

The article I was reading explains that children of involved fathers tend to be more social and positive as infants, with a greater capacity for empathy and fewer overall behavioural problems during childhood. As they get older, they have better problem-solving skills, achieve more in school, and adapt better to stress. Benefits for the father are a longer life, better health, being happier and more successful at work, as well as having more satisfying adult romantic relationships. Even mothers benefit through lower stress, are more responsive to their children, and are less likely to leave the workforce.

Hmm... so when my children and I left their father in 2006 and in an effort to discredit me, he had his untrained counsellor draft up a letter stating that my oldest son's "emotional delays" were because I homeschooled them. It had nothing to do with his lack of interaction with him during his entire childhood. Interesting.

Upon our leaving, their father immediately befriended them and became their gaming 'sibling' and proceeded to game and party alongside them and their friends. No parental interaction, he was now the 'cool dad we never had' and my two oldest latched onto this new person because he was fun and there were no consequences at his house. At 12 and 14, what a dream come true.

Yet this left their younger siblings, who were 6 and 3 at the time, out in the cold. My third son has tourettes syndrome and his father stated in a court affidavit that he could not tolerate him. Who says that about their own child?? My daughter, his youngest spawn, is so scared of her father she is now growing an ulcer at nine years old. Their saving grace is their older brothers who have stepped in and raised them during the weeks they are at their dads. I thank God every day for them in their lives.

I used to believe that there were men in this world that do love children, not merely tolerated them. I wanted my children to experience true fatherly love like I had. If not from their own father, then even from a surrogate father such as close friend or even a step father. I keep dreaming...

Anger

I listen to a woman who's ex-husband/ex-business partner leaves her with all of the bills, takes their money and puts it in his girlfriends account. Then he files personal bankrupcy and she is left with debt so large she couldn't dig her way out in her lifetime. What is she to do now?

Dread

I watch as a woman, so distraught by a man's continuing and constant need to control, she considers leaving her children. If the courts grant his wish of shared custody with this woman, every decision she ever makes in the future for her children will be met with resistance. Her belief is that without his need to control her between them, her children will not be used as weapons, thus spared. I cannot imagine what she must be going through right now. My prayers reside with her constantly now, and until fate is decided in a courtroom very soon.

Pain

I met a man who broke the hearts of two mothers by taking their children. The first mother's heart was broken when she lost her daughter. He took her away, married her, and made her promise that her parents would not influence her by quoting, "and two shall become one flesh."

Twenty years later he tore the heart from the other when he took her four children. He convinced the children that she, the mother of his children, had become evil, didn't care for them, and guilted them into not seeing her.

How can this man live with himself? How does as he justify his actions?

Energized

Spring has brought with it a very different me. It has been a very long time since I haven't had panic attacks while trying to pay bills, wondering how I am going to pay the exorbitant child support, and still feed my children. No longer do I ask myself, "Will the food bank have to help me out this month? Will my kids have warm clothes for school today? Will my vehicle break down and I will be forced to not pay the heat or water for one month to fix it?"

I still have bills, and lots of them, thanks to the credit I have had to lean on to make ends meet over the last six years. However, my new job has finally provided me with enough income to actually pay my bills in full and on time. More importantly, I no longer have to feel beholdin' to those who have helped out for so long. It is incredibly tough to ask for help over and over again, or wonder if I will ever again see the black side of my line of credit. Don't get me wrong, it will take years to dig out of the red, but now I am finally able to do that, a bit at a time.

What I didn't expect in getting to this point, is the surge in self confidence this gave me. For the first time in a very, very long time I feel truly calm. Yes things will crop up unexpectedly that I will have to deal with. But now I can actually meet those challenges myself, rather than lean on others to help me through it.

I am also able to sleep at night, with the exception of the nightmares of course, and not lay awake trying to figure out how to make ends meet with this, or the next, or the next paycheck. I can sleep in without a panic attack waking me up when I suddenly realize I have forgotten to pay something or someone. Sleep is delicious!

I hope this spring finds you energized!

Energy

Mel lamented to me this week, "I wish I had your energy, your vitality, your thirst for life. You are infectious, your exude energy to others, they are drawn to you because of it." I was left speechless as I watched her sigh, then slowly sip her coffee. I stumbled over my words as I started to dispute her claim and she looked at me with humour in her eyes, "Don't argue with me, you know it's true."
We sat in silence, we often do that. This silence is a comfortable place close friends give you, where you know you are not judged. I thought about her claim as I slowly drank my tea. I know I have a more than average energy level, not a nervous energy however. I'm sure I would have been labelled ADHD in elementary school. I think it was because I was usually a few steps ahead of what we were currently learning, or was simply was not interested.
I laughed to myself suddenly, wondering about the many friends I now had. This was painful cry from when I was younger and so painfully shy. I couldn't hold together a full sentence when speaking to anyone outside of my family. Mel looked up and I simply nodded in agreement, she was right.
Since then I have wondered why I have this energy level, this enthusiasm. I have felt stifled for a while, feeling my energy levels running a bit lower than normal. This evening I was sitting in the hot tub contemplating ancient native beliefs surrounding the energy in everything, animals, plants, even rocks and mountains. Everyone knows I need to go and recharge regularly. The best is by a fast river, preferably a fresh mountain river, especially with a waterfall. Mountains come next and around horses comes a close third.
The jets suddenly turned on and I turned them off quickly. I like to sit in silence when I want to think. As they slowed I felt the energy of the water rushing past me, the bubbles surrounding me. It was exhilarating and too quickly gone. I suddenly had an irresistible urge to stand by the waterfall Randall and I had found one beautiful May weekend. My body ached to feel the power it had given me. The power of nature. I have needed this for a while. Go to the mountains and ski, ride a horse through snow-covered valleys, or figure skate on a frozen lake. I am going to go, alone, and re-energize.